The Waiting...

really is the hardest part.

I have 14 days until my surgery on my foot.  Not saying that I'm looking forward to it, but the waiting.... the uncertainty of not knowing how the healing process will go... is driving me crazy.  There really isn't anything I can prepare for, no little projects to finish up, it just will be what it will be. I know this.  I've embraced it. But still...

The lack of mobility right now, every step like walking on sharp pointed rocks, makes it tough to enjoy the day.  

Having no choice, I took a sick day to get cortisone shots in my wrists.  While the doctor is very good, and the medication worked well, he missed the initial target and my hand is still swollen at the injection site two days later, causing random pain and a general soreness.

I decided to do something good for myself and went to the dentist.  A simple cleaning, long overdue, quick and painless.  Except that it isn't.  I need deep root scaling, throughout my whole mouth, costing about $800 after insurance. Awesome.  I couldn't even get my teeth cleaned, since they would need to be cleaned after the scaling, and the insurance company would only pay for one.

I sat outside the dentist office and cried in the car.

It's frustrating not being able to do what I want.  It's 80 degrees out, perfect weather, and I can't even go for a walk.  I can't surf the web for long periods of time because my wrists will lock up. I can't wear flip flops for a long period of time.  And in two weeks, because of the chance of infection, I won't even be able to use the discounted tickets I bought for the water park back in May.

I tried going to  lunch with the husband to lift my spirits, but lack of proper scheduling in the office made it not happen.  He doesn't really get it anyways.  He tries awful hard, but he tries to fix it, and it's just not fixable.  I just have to wait things out, see how they fall.  I called a friend who is also going through the same issues.  She gets it, but the momentary sense of belonging fades quickly after the call ends. The kids are working and don't need me as much.  The husband's new schedule has allowed him to be home more.  Projects that used to linger forever are getting done without my asking (twice).  Laundry is getting done without me.  Food is being bought and cooked without me. So many things are getting done without me because I can't do things right now.  And while I'm wanted, I'm no longer needed.

And it's left me feeling lost...

...waiting until I can be me again.