Tuesday, October 22, 2019

The Hoodie...

The hoodie.  For most, it's a simple hooded sweatshirt, for others it's a fashion statement.  Worn as a trendy accessory it can complete the ensemble, providing a touch of warmth when the weather gets brisk. Just a simple hooded sweatshirt, it can give the wearer a sense of comfort on dark and lazy days.  Or, it can convey a sense of sneakiness, concealing the wearer who may be up to no good.

And then there are the necessity hoodies.  When the lights, sounds, and chaos of the day gets overwhelming, the hoodie is a place of refuge.  An instant barrier from the crazy, like an invisible fortress surrounding them, keeping them focused when the world insists on distraction.

Youngest's hoodie was a necessity hoodie. His sensory overload often caused anxiety, which lead to melt downs, aggression and running away, daily and often.  When he was in second grade, during one of his toughest years, his teacher gave him one of her son's hand me down sweatshirts.  The hood went up, and the rest is history.  It became his tell when he was teetering on the edge of crazy or when he was highly focused.  There he would sit, in his tiny desk, hood up, writing away hand gripped around a fat pencil slowly forming a story all his own. In middle school it became his invisible bubble, allowing him to move through the halls, without incident, among the hundreds of other kids during the three minute window.

High School came and the hood was down more often than not.  He found his own way among friends, and made a place for himself without barriers.  He has about 6 different hoodies that he wears regularly.  Some he's gotten as gifts. There's a short sleeve and a no sleeve for the gym. And there's the wrestling Sectional Championship one that has his name on the back, commemorating his 2nd place finish. He wore that one for Senior pictures.  About 8 months ago we were discussing something and as his frustration grew he sighed deep and threw his hood up for the first time in years.

I laughed.  He had had enough.  It was his tell, and I left him alone.

Now, it's his senior year.  We fight more than we talk.  The lines of appropriateness are gone.  He's trying to find his way, not making the best choices, but making enough of the *good* ones to keep him afloat. The stress of college, poor choices, and questionable friends have put a tremendous strain on our relationship.  His seventeen year old conviction of invincibility makes him very hard to live with and I find myself walking on egg shells not knowing if the grenade is coming from a blindside or if he'll hear me and just walk away. The husband is done. His brother has distanced himself.  I am left with a giant hole in my soul.

Parenthood, my friends, is not for sissies.

I used to hate when he'd shut down and hide under the hood. He could hide for hours, immovable in his stubborn ways.  But he'd always emerge. Now I long for the visual que, the subtle but deliberate flip of the hood, even though deep down I know his proverbial hood is always up.

And all I can do is pray he emerges from underneath it undamaged by the choices he's made.

6 comments:

  1. I got a slight idea on the hoodie thing- my anxieties weren't the same, but one of my brother's old USMC drabs was my hiding spot. On the other- I got nothing. I was the tail end of our family train, and not rebellious. My son has (mostly) been level-headed. I join you in your prayers. Have faith.

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    1. Full disclosure, he's the baby and therefore slides through on a lot of things because I. Am. Tired. He is a great kid, but there are just some things I can't look past. We are working through it, slowly. And I'm spending a lot of time with my eyes closed and hands clenched.

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  2. First of all, it is so good to see a post from you! This "yearly" posting has got to stop (I'm only kidding, I know you are busy, etc., but I always do enjoy your posting, even in the hardest of situations you have an elegant way with words like you did in this one. Second of all, how can youngest be a high school senior? You are right, parenthood is not for sissies and his age is so impossible to try to talk any "sense" into them. They think they know it all, can conquer all, and life will be so very different and better than anything else before. I read somewhere that a male's brain doesn't fully develop until about age 25. Up until then they can still do stupid things, etc. I can attest son's brain didn't fully engage (and it still has its days) and he turned 30 this past March. Fatherhood (not wishing it on anyone until late 20s) was a good wake up call for him. Senior year was a very difficult year for us with son for so many different reasons. I was never so happy when he actually got his diploma. Some people have smooth sailing with raising their kids, some don't. Even the best of parents (which I think you are) still end up with these struggles. I don't get it. I think your last line sums it up for so many of us with children that make "less than good choices." I used to say of son and his friends at 18 that they will be totally different people at 25. The key is to hope that they survive until that age. In the meantime, do take care of yourself. I know its hard to say that as a mom, but I can assure you that you need to be as whole as you can as you are dealing with what can be possibly occur based on your son's choices. I still jump when the phone rings because there was a time the phone never brought good news. Do write more as you can. I missed you.

    betty

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    Replies
    1. I know this is the passage we have to go through with him. I get it. But it's hard. I am going to try and write more. I started because I needed a safe place to vent and lost it along the way. I feel better when I get it out on *paper*.

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  3. Juli! I was so happy to see a comment from you last night and again to see a post from you this evening.

    I'm sending you hugs. Kids ARE hard - there's no two ways about it. And those that seem to sail right through parent without a hitch well...they will eventually. I know it's so very hard. I'm in a battle - well a battle that is different than yours - with mine and I said pretty much the same thing you said about praying that he emerges to his step-sister about him today. Sending love, hugs and prayers.

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  4. It's so nice to be missed! I will send hugs your way as well. We started with a baby step today, he agreed to a GIANT step (that honestly I didn't see coming) so he's either trying to prove me wrong, or he knows somethings not right. Either way it's forward movement. (((HUGS)))

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