And despite the fact that he seems to know it all, he doesn't in fact know, what he doesn't know. So he is not remiss that he will not have a signed yearbook, or a traditional graduation. Even if it is allowed, it will likely be delayed way off into the summer and have multiple layers of restrictions. His championship wrestling jacket, All Star Certificate and T-shirt, scholarships, and athletic awards will all be handed out in a big pile, at a set appointment, with no special recognition to it. Just a big pile of stuff. He will not see his name engraved on the Wrestling Wall Of Fame within the school. He will not be presented with his captain pin, his Eagle Cords, or his parade through his elementary school. Yet, none of that stuff matters to him.
Online schooling has been an ongoing challenge. Grades close on Friday for 3rd term. Hopefully they will be a combination of the grades already earned and the pass/fail of the last 3 weeks. I suspect they will roll out how 4th term will be handled this week, as some local school have already called the Seniors done. We will have to wait and see. We fight a lot about his lack of ambition regarding high school. The Senior Slide is real here folks. I am fearful he will lose his merit based scholarships if he slacks too much. He tells me not to worry about it, that none of the busy work they are assigning matters.
His time management skills are horrendous, and we fight about that too. He breaks curfew, which he still has at 18, because we have rules here. There are rules everywhere, he just has to live with that. He snuck out the other night. I caught him. He came right home. It's not what he's actually doing, but that he's being deceitful. And while this may be small stuff for some, it is big stuff for me. He insists that he wants to live here, but if his actions don't match his words, none of that matters.
He's started back on his medication so at least the fights have been more civil. His anger is more rational, and the lows do not make me think we should check him into a hospital. His behavior, mannerisms, and words are reminiscent of his father which is hard for me, and I have to walk away. He works hard to not be like him, and yet before he decided to go back to his medication, he was more and more like him everyday. Like a biological trait that can't be suppressed. His choices concern me, and at times make me furious. But they are his choices to make not mine, and his consequences to endure. If he fails, he fails. If he needs to live somewhere else, he will.
Choices. Actions. Changes. Consequences. Matter.
And yet, deep down, he's still Youngest. The kid that likes stuffed animals, weighted blankets, and Mom cooked dinner. I stumbled on a clearance Easter llama for $1.24. I brought it home after a particularly difficult span of days with him. I wrote him a little note and left it on the tag. Last night as we were *discussing* his sneaking out I noticed something on his corkboard. Among his awards, Spartan medals, and pictures of things he loves, was the blue sticky note. He had stuck it there, among the things he holds important.
"Sometimes you just need to be reminded that you matter. And you matter to all of us."
Because no matter how bad it's gotten, or how many questionable choices he makes. We're still a family, and that still matters.
And that note says to you, "It's not as dark as it seems."
ReplyDeleteToday is the first day of term 2 of schools here in NSW, Leo, Syydney & Summer are attending, Blain isn't he will start back on the 11th May. Jess has work I think only one student at the moment but it's something. Leo's driver only had him this morning but Leo was anxious to get back to school.
ReplyDeleteHow sweet with the llama and the note and his appreciation of it! I said it before but boys up until age 25 think they are immortal and nothing will happen to them. And that is more than likely that he won't catch the virus but he'll bring it home to you and with your immunocompromised state that could be a disaster. So of course you have to do curfews; don't blame you for that. Son turned 18 in March of his senior year. Though he was an adult the school still considered him a minor until graduation. And of course you can set your own rules for your son staying there no matter what age he is. Good that he is back on his medication. I bet in years to come he might look back and miss what he didn't get as a "normal" senior but what a story he will be able to tell to his children (should he decide to have them down the line).
ReplyDeleteSeems like you are doing the best you can with what you are working with!
betty