Youngest...

I was in labor with you for 2 weeks.  Two weeks of contractions, 20 minutes apart, like clockwork.  I was in labor for so long, that on the date you were supposed to be born, no one believed the contractions would get closer together.  Your father went to work.  Grammie came over to visit, never suspecting she'd have to stay with your brother overnight until you arrived.

Once labor really got going it took 27 hours. TWENTY. SEVEN.  I started progressing along and to ease pain I tried the whirlpool tub which apparently you loved, because once in the tub everything all but stopped completely. They tried medication to get it going again to no avail, and eventually broke my water.  Which of course, you wanted no part of, so you sat on your umbilical cord.  They had to artificially pump water back in to float you back up.  At one point they thought you were in distress so they wheeled me into the C-section room, only to have you rebound to a healthy stat. The  suddenly you weren't.  Then you were. Then you weren't. Then you were. By the third time they stopped wheeling me in and out of the room and just gave in. And in the twenty-seventh hour you were born in the operating room, naturally, on your own terms.

Not a minute before, exactly the way YOU wanted to come into the world.

I had no idea that this would be the dance we would do for the next eighteen years.

And oh, what a dance it has been.

I'm a terrible dancer by the way, but we have learned together the hard way.  Sometimes we came together like a beautiful waltz, you give a bit, I give a bit, gliding our way into the next adventure.  Other times it's resembled a perfectly choreographed Irish line dance, abrupt and sharp, but coming together in the end leaving everyone speechless.  But most often it's been like a mash up of classical and slash metal head banging, with a bit of crowd surfing and Macarena.

I always said God makes the tough ones cute so you don't kill them.  And Lord help me if you weren't the cutest toddler ever, like Gerber baby cute. You truly were, and are, the best combination of myself and your father.  You have his Italian looks, charisma, and compassion for the most unique of people. I know you don't remember a lot about him, and sadly there are not many people who can tell you good things. Having self medicated his bipolar and manic depression with alcohol and drugs since he was 12, it had left him a vague resemblance of the boy I met at 15, much less the father he aspired to be.  Much of this had to do with the environment he was raised in, a stark contrast to how you were raised.

Nature vs Nurture.  We have academically argued this for years, you and I.  And while I hear your general option on it, you will never understand my view, because YOU my son are all the proof I need.  Biologically you are half of your father, and yet, you've learned coping skills to handle your anger.  You have safe outlets for your frustration.  You feed your body the healthiest choices to improve your mind and body.  You push your limits and exceed expectations Every. Single. Time. Everything in your nature says you should be just like him, but you are not.  You are so much better than he or I could have ever imagined.

You are like lightning in a bottle, mesmerizing and fragile. Determined.  Loyal. Empathetic. Truthful. Loving. Protective. Your intellect is superior.  Your ability to grasp concepts that elude most is sheer brilliance. When you live your truth you always find your way away from the dark side.  And that buddy, is what I cling to when I see you struggle.

It's no secret that we've had a tough time lately.  Senior year is full of all kinds of crazy. Your bonus brother moved in this year, and moved back out.  Your brother started college, and while you'll never admit it, I know you saw his struggle.  He was ready for school, ready to move out, and yet you saw the transition, the struggle of being away, and somewhere in you, you know you will have to go through that too.  Your relationship of the last 4 months didn't work out, and yet you managed to not circle the drain like the last time. It's proof that you can heal yourself by yourself, no matter how deep the wound.  You're a captain on the wrestling team this year, ranked 13th in the state, and are currently 26/6 for the season. That's a lot of pressure to preform and still be an example to a team of 80+ kids. You're tough on the team so they will get better, and you have done an amazing job at developing the thick skin that you need to survive it. And despite the fact that the paper never gets your name right, that you were recognized incorrectly at the All Star banquet, and still don't have your name on the wall from last year's success, you still show up, determined to not let anyone count you out. You've been accepted to both your top choices of colleges, and now decisions need to be made. And still, with all this going on, you made straight A's last term, only missing it again by 1.6 points in honors Calculus. Seriously kid, you amaze us all.

Tomorrow we are venturing 3 hours away to your top choice of colleges.  We will sit with guidance and determine your best pathway towards the career you want. I truly believe that not getting into their direct program, while disappointing, was the best for you.  You can attend college and experience it all without the pressure of preforming in the direct program, while still getting all the benefits of one of the top programs in the state in your field.  It will leave you open to pursue your masters anywhere, not just there.  And it will allow you to study in the minor you want, opening you to so many more possibilities for employment.  Their school mantra embraces the whole person and I know you will excel there, and with a 50 acre wildlife preserve off campus to get away from everything, I know you will have access to everything you need.

Except us.

Being 3 hours away, with no quick way home leaves it all on you buddy.  You will have to recognize when your anxiety spikes, when you need a break, when you want to punch the wall but can't.  You will have to seek out peer groups, professional therapy if you need it, and work out a regimen that keeps you healthy, mind, body, and soul. This is where I know you will be most at home, if you follow your truth, and build wisely on the foundation we've built together.

Your second choice of schools we will revisit in 2 weeks and meet with financial aid. They have given you double the aid they originally did when they accepted you in November, becasue they really want you there.  You campus there is the city and all the adventure that it holds. The education is superior, your clinical classes can be done at the top hospitals, and the support that the school lacks can be compensated by the fact that several friends will be in the collegiate with you, including your brother.  You are only 45 minutes away, easily accessible by train. This is what you're step dad wants for you.  A support system in place, a quick trip home to see the dog, and a solid education with a direct pathway towards your career and Masters.

It's a lot for you, and in truth a lot for me.  We have danced together for so long now it's hard to imagine that I'll have to find a new partner soon.  But I have faith in you, and have to never count you down.  And whatever choices you make, know that I will always be there in the back of the room, as you take the stage for the biggest and most amazing performance of your life. And if you ever forget the steps, or fall off the stage, know that I will be there ready to learn an entirely different dance for you.

XOXO

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