Come Ride The Rollercoaster With Me....

 Him: "I need a credit card."

Me: "You don't need a card."

"I need to build credit if I want to buy a house."

"Your brother bought a condo.  He doesn't have a credit card.  There are many other ways to do it."

"Okay.  Just because you say it's a bad idea, doesn't mean I'm not going to do it."

This.

This is life with my almost 19 year old boy. I was reminded recently by Ami that I should write about whatever I needed to get out, regardless of how much of a rollercoaster it is, so today you're getting another a Youngest post. Also true to a previous post, I am working hard to change the narrative with him.  So, I told him to google some options.  Look for no annual fees, low purchase limits, ones that cater to students, no late payment interest hikes, rewards, cash back perks, miles, etc. and I would help him decide on the best one for him. That was last week.  I have yet to hear from him on the matter. My therapist says that while he knows I don't agree, he knows he can come to me to help him make an educated decision. She also mentioned something about how lucky he is that he has a parent to go to, because many, MANY parents can't and won't discuss money with anyone. So in a weird way, I'm going to put this in the win column for now.

He also asked me to help him find a hotel room in the city for his birthday.  His original plan was to throw a banger with his friends.  After some frank discussion about the times we're in, and that NO ONE is renting an 18 year old their house to party in, he wants a nice night in the city with his girlfriend-not-girlfriend. Again, after some discussion on where he wants to be, what he wants to do, etc. I gave him some options and he has yet to return to the subject at hand. Could be because shortly after they started fighting and now he's not sure what's going on. We went to see Oldest at college last Sunday, while having lunch I mentioned I'd really like to go to the local casino, get a room, do some shopping, catch a comedy show, maybe race the go carts.  From behind the menu I heard him mumble "Well I'd like to do that..." So the verdict's still out on what he's doing for his birthday. Maybe hanging with the old folks might not be so bad after all.

He's started going to the gym and started jujitsu 2-3 days a week at a training center.  He's frustrated that he's not in the shape he once was. I give him the gentle reminders that it took a lot of poor choices to get to where he is.  His lung capacity is compromised and it will take a while for it to come back.  His body has a lot of toxins he needs to work though his system before he can function where he once was. He was upset with me because he slept through one of his Jujitsu classes.  I mentioned that this was the second time this week he fell asleep and missed class and maybe, he should could consider not smoking on the nights he plans to go so he would not fall asleep before he had to leave.  He came back with a snippy, "I'm paying for it, so why do you care?" and I said that I didn't, but I know it's important to him to get healthy again so, he may want to make some changes so he wouldn't be wasting his money. 

In the mean time, I started him on omeprazole for his morning nausea.  We've tried some other things, but I thought maybe a different approach might be warranted. It takes a few days to start working so we shall see.  But I remembered that his age is when I started with heartburn, and he swallows every bit of stress just like his Momma, so it could be anxiety acid. I did notice the other day though that I haven't seen him with a nic stick (e-cigarettes) in a while, nor have I found any in the laundry. Still being mindful of flipping the narrative, I finally asked him...

"Did you quit the nic sticks again?"

"Kind of"

"Oh, well I'm proud of you.  That's a tough one to mostly quit"

"I've never had a problem before"

"That's the thing though, you don't know which time will be the time you can't quit. So I'm still proud of you for this time."

He's delaying school decisions until September.  He's going to start paying rent in April. He's saying please and thank you a lot more. And today he brought me home a bag of Cadbury mini eggs, just because. I'm not seeing any of these things as change, or even steps forward.  Because if I do, and he steps back again, the disappointment will eat me alive.  But I am trying to enjoy the small moments as they come, and reminding myself that if his bed still isn't made (after asking 4 times) I'm not the one who has to sleep in it.  

 

Chocolate Covered All Wheel Drive...

Him: "I need to win the lottery.  I hate this job"

Me: "OK. I'll allow it"

~Work Texting With The Husband

In anticipation of a rare three day weekend together, by day two the husband has left me to my own vices, as NASCAR is calling and he's off spending time with his Brother in Law who recently had a stroke. He's fine, but it's a firm reminder that some guy time was way overdue.  I suspect chili will be brought home, and how can I argue with that? 

Youngest is out with his on again, off again, who this week is on, girlfriend.  He stopped by to use the bathroom on their way to gallivanting. He was wearing a nice new sweater that made him look like he was in his twenties. The girl has taste.  He has assured me all galivanting will come to a screeching halt by 7pm as he has to be at work by 5 am tomorrow.

Oldest assured me he'll be in the dorm doing nothing... which he seems okay with. I may or may not bring him a box of stuff tomorrow, the verdict is still out. Sometimes it's just easier to pay the $15 and mail it.

Which brings us to this moment.  Behold!  My big Valentine's day plans... 

Behold youngsters, this is what happens when you're together forever and spreading out to fold laundry with full control of the remote seems like a special treat. I have old school cartoons on in the background by the way, just because I can.

Yesterday, the Hubs accompanied me to the car dealership where I entertained buying a new car.  Three years ago I bought a Jeep Patriot and it has been my least favorite car, ever.  And I've driven some doozies. Aside from the little frustrations like not having automatic exterior lights, but interior lights so you think your headlights are on in a lit parking lot when in fact they are NOT, and plastic pieces breaking in your hands where you are trying to adjust the seats, at around 40K miles the transmission started to slip, and has only gotten worse.  I do like the size of it, and the fact that I can get into nearly any parking space, but it's just not a good representation of what I had expected from a Jeep. In addition to this, I feel like I was taken for a ride at the dealership, sales and service not hearing my concerns and issues, and honestly, screwing me with the interest rates knowing I was in a tough spot with my son's other Jeep. The Hubs has been insisting that I work way too hard to not drive something I like, and I kept refusing to spend the money to get out from underneath it. But I caved, and we went to the dealership anyway. I did not have high hopes, but in lieu of the standard chocolate dipped fruits that we usually do for all Hallmark holidays, I ended up with this for Valentine's....

It's a heritage blue 50th anniversary 2018 Subaru Impreza.  It has a lot of bells and whistles I don't need, but it drives smooth, has all wheel drive, auto lights (in and out), a sun roof, and heated seats. I pick it up on Wednesday.  It's not even in the driveway and Oldest wants to drive it. And despite all the contents of the Jeep now strewn about the kitchen table, Youngest still has yet to ask if we found a car yesterday. 

Which brings me to my next project of the day, washing all my reusable bags and sifting though all the odds and ends I tucked everywhere in the Jeep. I mean seriously, how much crap does one girl need?  Apparently it's a lot. Really, you need anything, spare sock, nail clippers,  hair elastic, safety pin, tire gauge?  I'm your girl. The prospect of having a trunk again is very exciting friends. I can have all my extra clothes for whatever the day brings while delivering mail (rain coats, sweatshirts, Clorox wipes, boots, rain pants, extra socks, etc.) Plus my grocery bags and doggie essentials tucked away neatly instead of anywhere it would fit. I also have to find all my original Jeep paperwork so I can cancel all the refundable warrantees and GAP coverage.  Might as well get every penny I can back, and we all know they're not going to volunteer it. 

I also finished the taxes this weekend, went grocery shopping, did some snow clean up, and I listed some things on eBay.  Anyone out there need a German Beer stein? And I still have one more day to go until we resume our regularly scheduled work week. 

Maybe I'll treat myself to some chocolate covered strawberries.

Changing The Narrative...

 The boys have had a mentor for as long as I can remember.  He has become a family friend now, taking them to dinner and ice cream, to talk through things they can't articulate to me, or anyone else. He has a way with kids of age particularly ones that the sicker chart reward/punishment system simply does not work on. Among his favorite techniques to use is Now What?  Okay, you wanted to do that, so now what? What happens now?  It's a powerful thing, to put the consequences in the mind of a child. Interestingly enough, many of them know what the consequences will be, even before they did something, and because they made the choice ahead of the game to do whatever it was, they sat easier with the consequences. Most days, it worked out well.  Other days, it worked out with my son hitting him in the head with a wayward pool ball. Far in the past, they laugh about it now, yet he's never held it against him. He just got better at ducking.

An English major, he challenged kids to change the narrative. When they are furious with something, he'd instruct them to tell the story from a different prospective.  Instead of my mom's a jerk, she's such a nag, why can't she just leave me alone? It's my Mom's nagging me because I'm not listening, and I'm not listening because I don't like what she wants me to do. Does it get them out of trouble? No.  But it does help them process the narrative in a way that allows them to see the solution weather they chose to use it or not. 

This morning I was thinking about this as Youngest and I had had some doozy of fights over the weekend. His current narrative, not unlike that of most just-under-twenties, is confrontative. You don't control me.  You can't say I have a problem. You can't say I'm smoking too much. That's not your decision to make.  And he's right, sadly.  It's not in my control at all. But in order to live in this house, you have to be part of the family, which includes speaking and treating us with respect, following the few rules we have, and to taking responsibility for yourself.  If he can't do that, then he needs to look for a new place to live. Which of course, in that narrative translates into you're kicking me out. 

But what if he was able to flip the narrative? What if the narrative was I want to be part of the family, and I know they don't like it when I smoke, it causes fights and distrust.  So instead, I will only smoke once or twice a week, I will respect the common spaces, and I will not say things purely for the shock factor.  I will make this choice because I like living here, and I don't want to hurt them so much with my choices. 

Both narratives, so I'm by the master mentor, are the same thing. One is more of defiance, and the other is more of a compromise. One makes it all about him, and the other makes it about how his choice effects others, and inevitably, him. I've given him the binding, the pages, the title of the book, but he's in charge of writing it. His thought is that I can't edit it for him, I can not scream plot twist mid chapter, and expect him to go along.  Life, and growth, doesn't work that way. 

But man, I wish it did.