Two days before graduation, cap and gown pick up is today. I took the day off just in case a check had to be written, or some odd and end that needed to be taken care of.
His plan was to head to the school at 10am. This meant that my whole day would not be monopolized by last minute changes. I went to pick up a special treat for him from the Scout Troop, visited a bit, dropped another treat by a friend's house, chatted with his mother and was by noon. He was going to bring the other treat bag by his friend's house and maybe get some lunch. It was starting to look like a good day.
Until a friend called, and he decided to meet up, and he smoked himself into a comfortable coma, rendering himself unable to meet the other friend for lunch, pick up his accolades, or do much of anything, really. He fell asleep at one, and by two I will admit I was not nice when I woke him up. Had I not taken the day off and driven him down to the school, he'd have stoned his way right out of participating in graduation.
I have moved past being disappointed. He is the only one who can admit he has a problem, and he just doesn't see it. In a matter of months, between corona and the senior slide I have watched him become someone I just don't even know any more. And while some things have been better, it's like I don't know who he is anymore. He doesn't work out, and his nutritional health has taken a back seat. He doesn't see any of his core friends (at first because of covid, now just because) He doesn't hang around the house, watch TV, read, or care about anything other than going out for a good time. There's a new girl, she's 20ish, seems nice, but something's just not right about her or them. I've moved past disappointed into full on angry. Angry that he's making this choice, they he doesn't see what he's doing, and that there's nothing I can do about it. I pray (yup me, praying) that this is just a summer phase. That he'll get back on track in the next month or two.
And I'm scared. His whole life we have put him on a road, and as he got older he decided where that road would go. He'd have moments when he'd sit on the side of the road, wander off a path that loops back in, stop or run down it, but he'd always be going in the right direction. And now it seems he's off partying in the woods somewhere, and the fear is that in the ten weeks before he leaves for school he will not find the path through the forest that leads him back to the road in time.
I can accept that he purposely tanked his fourth quarter grades. I can accept that he wants to enjoy his last summer. I can accept that he's an adult and these choices are his own, as much as the consequences will be. But I can not accept that I can't find any semblance of the kid I raised in him anymore.
And as I sit here looking at his cap and gown, captain pin, Eagle cords and mask with the HS logo, I can feel angry, sad, disappointed, and lost. But I just can't seem to feel proud.
T-minus two days and counting.
Oh, sweetie! Being a mom is hard - being a mom right now is REALLY hard. You've laid a good foundation, I would like to think he will build on it. Senior year is a hard one - and this year...well, it must be harder. He will find his way. Sending hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteYou can only control what you can control. He's not one of those things. You can pray, and remember God promises, train them up in the way they should go, and EVENTUALLY they'll make it back there. But it might take a while. God knows mine did, and I never dealt with anything close to the issues he is.
ReplyDeleteThis is when we have to let them go-ahead and make those bad decisions and suffer the consequences and hope that he doesn't destroy his life in the process. Hang in there and keep praying!
ReplyDeleteBetty
You have done the best you can but it is his life and there is only so much you can do that sad I feel your pain and heartache
ReplyDelete