Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Go Easy On Me...

There ain't no gold in this river

That I've been washin' my hands in forever

I know there is hope in these waters,

But I can't bring myself to swim when I'm drowning in this silence. ~Adele

 

There comes the time of year here, when the leaves are more absent than rustling in the trees.  When the cold sets in, and the green retreats underground to hibernate for the winter.  While Fall is the favorite of all seasons for me, the dark sets in so early and the chill through the 75 year old house can't help but make the walls creak, as well as my old bones. 

There are many happy things in the Fall.  My birthday.  Oldest's birthday; he's 21 this year. Thanksgiving.  The Holidays. The smell of cinnamon, pine, and spice throughout the stores and shops. Gratitude. Togetherness. Yet, every year it comes.

The weight that falls upon my chest, stifling the breath I desperately need to rejuvenate myself, anxiety that falls heavy in my soul.  I am no stranger to depression, having battled through severe postpartum with both boys, barely emerging on the other side. But the Seasonal depression, is something different.  Not crippling, but just enough to impact my everyday.  Not enough to require medication, but enough to take notice.

I take solace in the fact that Oldest will be returning home after Christmas for a semester.  His internship is downtown, with little travel outside of our town. It will be nice to have him home again, an unexpected upside to his new school schedule. He's dependable, even keeled, and the dog really misses him.  

Youngest has made some clear decisions about his path going forward, he's actively taking his medications, and becoming more of himself.  Despite his old life is trying to pull him back, he is determined to move forward.  He's finishing his 3 weeks of school and for now, has decided to not reenroll.  It's just not for him. He's looking for a full time job, and is making more of a point to be involved with the family. As Hubs and I watched the Adele interview the other night, she was asked what she wanted for her son as he grew older.  Her reply was for him to just be a good person, that she had no expectations for him, just to be happy and good. It resonated with me because since Youngest was born I believed that he would do great things, but perhaps I need to accept that he could do great things, and for now just be okay now with him just being a good person, a happy person. We can see small glimpses of that now, and that in itself is no small feat. 

Work has been not as bad as it could be.  We have had more sunny days than rainy, and the chill thus far has been manageable. In years past I have, with some help, organized and spearheaded the shopping and wrapping of gifts for several kids in the foster care system. It became such a burden and headache that last year I stopped it completely. While I did my own thing, gave when I could, where I could, it just wasn't the same. This year I decided to take only 2 kids, and myself and 3 coworkers are splitting the list and making sure they get a good haul from Santa. A small thing, but manageable, to bring joy to our day and theirs. 

I am finding joy in the small things.  Going to lunch with a friend. Napping. Breathing when I can. Really tending to my plants, growing life inside while I can. Saying no. Stepping back. Counting the thirty five days to the darkest point, until we regain 2 minutes of sunshine daily, 15 minutes a week. But still, the anxiety, the depression is there. While Youngest and I are familiar, Hubs just doesn't get it. It's hard to explain that I just can't snap out of it, that even through the smiles and casual conversation, the weight and sense of impending doom is still there, lurking. 

Thirty five days.

Until then, go easy on me. 

6 comments:

  1. I think I'm starting to be this same way. Way more bah humbug in me this year than most, and for no discernible reason.

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  2. Hugs. I know where you are coming from, and the dark place you currently inhabit. Go easy on yourself too.

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  3. I needed to read this today, nice to see someone else is struggling a bit. Comfort in numbers and all. So happy to read about the update on youngest!

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  4. Youngest could do great things...just maybe not the way you'd hoped. He's pulling himself together - which is great - and takes a lot of work. Maybe he will go back to college or maybe he won't. Being a healthy, happy, good person is the best all of us want.

    I'm sorry for that weight, while I don't experience that for an entire season, I am extremely affected by days and days of gray and/or rain that go on for days and days at time. Sending you hugs, my friend.

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  5. I'm so sorry you experience this. I know I prefer sun over clouds, and while I'm not fond of it being dark in the morning when getting up and getting darker earlier in the evenings, it doesn't affect me like I know it can for others, including you and Youngest. I do hope those around you go easy on you during this time and that work this year won't be challenging with the holidays coming so soon (though I predict it probably will be as we get closer to Christmas).

    Good that Oldest will be with you for his next semester of school and that Youngest is making progress in what he is going to do with his life at this point. I do agree that college/higher education is not for everyone and if he is not feeling it, why push it now? Perhaps that will change as the years go by. Maybe he'll find his passion in some other career that does not involve a higher education.

    (Thanks for your email. I keep thinking I'm going to go back to blogging then I read someone's post about something that sets me off about things and then I think "no, not ready to yet." None of your posts, but others along the way. I do read all you post, just don't comment on them until this one :)

    Happy Thanksgiving if you don't post before then!

    betty

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  6. SAD is such a huge part of my life. I have found a SAD lamp to be quite helpful for me in these dark times - have you ever tried one? Ten years ago, they were so expensive, I just couldn't justify the price, but these days you can get a very good lamp for $150. Sending you happy, sunny vibes that you can make it through these dark days until they start getting lighter!

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