really is the hardest part.
I have 14 days until my surgery on my foot. Not saying that I'm looking forward to it, but the waiting.... the uncertainty of not knowing how the healing process will go... is driving me crazy. There really isn't anything I can prepare for, no little projects to finish up, it just will be what it will be. I know this. I've embraced it. But still...
The lack of mobility right now, every step like walking on sharp pointed rocks, makes it tough to enjoy the day.
Having no choice, I took a sick day to get cortisone shots in my wrists. While the doctor is very good, and the medication worked well, he missed the initial target and my hand is still swollen at the injection site two days later, causing random pain and a general soreness.
I decided to do something good for myself and went to the dentist. A simple cleaning, long overdue, quick and painless. Except that it isn't. I need deep root scaling, throughout my whole mouth, costing about $800 after insurance. Awesome. I couldn't even get my teeth cleaned, since they would need to be cleaned after the scaling, and the insurance company would only pay for one.
I sat outside the dentist office and cried in the car.
It's frustrating not being able to do what I want. It's 80 degrees out, perfect weather, and I can't even go for a walk. I can't surf the web for long periods of time because my wrists will lock up. I can't wear flip flops for a long period of time. And in two weeks, because of the chance of infection, I won't even be able to use the discounted tickets I bought for the water park back in May.
I tried going to lunch with the husband to lift my spirits, but lack of proper scheduling in the office made it not happen. He doesn't really get it anyways. He tries awful hard, but he tries to fix it, and it's just not fixable. I just have to wait things out, see how they fall. I called a friend who is also going through the same issues. She gets it, but the momentary sense of belonging fades quickly after the call ends. The kids are working and don't need me as much. The husband's new schedule has allowed him to be home more. Projects that used to linger forever are getting done without my asking (twice). Laundry is getting done without me. Food is being bought and cooked without me. So many things are getting done without me because I can't do things right now. And while I'm wanted, I'm no longer needed.
And it's left me feeling lost...
...waiting until I can be me again.
Someday you'll laugh at all this--yeah, right!!
ReplyDeleteIt isn't that you aren't needed, it is that your family loves you enough to pick up the slack when it needs to be picked up. They would be lost without you. As Tom Petty said, the waiting is the hardest part and he was so right. I hate waiting for anything. Especially if it is more than 2 or 3 days. I lose sleep, I can't shut my brain off, I think about whatever I am waiting for non stop, almost to obsession. It is crazy town for sure. I am sending you all of my good juju right now to soothe your soul and help ease the stress of waiting. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou are needed, just in a different way. Physically, they are becoming more capable of managing on their own with laundry, shopping, etc., but emotionally and mentally, they still need you. I know what you mean, some man just want to fix where you (me) just want to talk it out and have someone give us sympathy or empathy, so I'm glad you are doing it here on your blog. I am sorry its been a tough time for you, I can only hope with each surgery you have things improve and in the timeline the doctors said for healing that you feel a bit better. Hang in there (if you can!)
ReplyDeletebetty
Limbo is a really sucky place. Especially for someone as hypermotived as you, but it can get to lazy bastards like me, too. Trust us, we understand. And though you're prolly sick of hearing it, focus on that bright shining day when all these trials are done, and you are healthy and happy and ready for the next set of trials.
ReplyDeleteOh hon! Waiting IS the hardest part. Sending you big hugs. And I agree with Betty - you can vent here and we will listen and empathize.
ReplyDeleteI heard from my husband, 'Men fix shit. And I can't fix yours. And it drives me insane.'
ReplyDeleteHe compensates by doing lots and lots of man things. You know, pounding things in or pushing them over or shouting at the breathless plastic people who read the news.
You have my email. Don't be afraid to use it.
I am waiting, too. Surgery this coming week.
I'm not quite as immobile so I'm working on the Mom Cave.
It will be my daytime home until I'm able to be human again after surgery.
Awe! Love the new site. Sorry it took me so long to get here! I'm always around. Call or text if you need to. Think aboutcha all the time, my dear friend. We've been bloggy friends for 5+ years!!!!
ReplyDeletePS- My guy (Joe) and I are thinking of taking a trip to Boston in a couple of months!!!!!!
PPS- I have a "My Guy!!!"....and I'm keeping him.