The Joy Of Not Doing...

Seventeen years ago this February I started working for the Post Office.  Which means this would be my sixteenth Holiday season.  Sixteenth.  A lot has changed over the years.  It is a far cry from what it was 3 years ago, let alone 16.  We have become a package delivery service.  During buzzards we no longer even go out with first class mail, only Amazon and Priority packages. Much of which doesn't get delivered, but an attempt is always made, and we rarely escape a holiday season with our staff in tact.  We have two carriers out injured already due to oversized packages and unrealistic delievery standards that require many carriers to be out in the dark.

But I digress....

Sixteen years ago it started out innocently enough.  Every year the office participated in Family To Family, a partnership with DCF to help families in need put something under the tree.  It was, for lack of nicer terms, a tinsel-poop project on our end with not much organization.  The lists from DCF were posted on the bulletin board, people glanced, picked up what they wanted, crossed off (or didn't cross off) what they bought, and in the end there was a frantic rush to even off the piles, wrap everything, and get it to DFC before the deadline.

The first year I bought a present or two.  The boys helped me wrap and liked that they were Santa's secret helpers.  The second year we bought more gifts, wrapped them, and started down the rabbit hole of Holiday tradition.

The third year we took one whole child.  Not an easy feat for someone who had barely the money to keep the heat on, let alone take on Christmas for another child.  By year four, I had started taking donations so I could shop for more kids on the list in addition to the one I had chosen.  I wrapped it all, and worked with the person in the office who was in charge to ensure it all got done in time.

Five years ago she and I decided to streamline the process.  We took the lists, wrote the items on ornaments, putting them on a giant poster board so employees could pick which ones they would buy, wrap them, and return them by a set date. This enabled us to double check everything and deliver it to DCF a few days later. This new system was so much easier on ALL of us.  Sure there were hiccups, but it was nothing we couldn't handle.  Four years ago, when she retired I took the entire thing over.  Making the tree, selecting the kids, collecting the donations, wrapping, collecting, and dropping it off.

I handled nearly all of it for the last four years.  Last year we got a new postmaster who, while enthusiastic at first, ruined the entire thing.  His nonchalant approach to the deadlines and his handling of his commitment to it ruined it for me.  I threw away the tree and was done. This year, there is no tree.  No last minute buying.  No excuses on why someone can't get to the store.  No asking coworkers for money.  No extra wrapping or decipering handwriting on gift tags.

Instead, I put up my own Christmas tree and actually enjoyed it. I took the time to recreate our angel tree topper and pick out crystal garlands to strategically place around the branches.  I made cascading ribbons of silver, red, and white.  I decorated the outside of our house, setting the old Christmas tree up outside in a large pot, lights and all, covereing it in red ribbons and bows. I twirlled the ribbon down the railings, and put the wreath on the door, enjoying every second of it.

I have done my own shopping.  Wrapped it all in the prettiest of papers and tied it with fancy fabric bows. I have cooked actual meals instead of having cereal because I had to run to the mall for a 2T jacket.  I have walked the dog instead of franticlly searching for boxes to wrap stuff in. I have spent time focusing on my boys, my husband, and the renegade balls of husky fur that cover my floor, instead of sending calls to voice mail while I'm standing in line. I am planning a road trip out to peep Christmas lights instead of running for the fourth time to Walmart.

It's now the week of Thanksgiving.  By now I'd be knee deep in excuses, boxes, searching for scotch tape and Black Friday deals. Yet tonight, I'm here with my feet up, ennjoying my day off.  In the beginning it was hard to walk away from it.  I debated doing something different, maybe a toy drive or an online shopping campaign.  There are tons of things one can do this year.  But not one person has asked about the tree. Not where it is, or what we're doing.

Not. One. Single. Person.

I had convinced myself over the years that it was not a big deal.  I could handle everything, balance it all, and in truth, I couldn't.  This year it's absence is proof of how much I was harming myself by trying to do for others. This year, I am not sick. I have not had a single stress headache.  I am not upset or disappointed by my co-workers inability to get their sh!t together. I am happier and finding actaul joy in the little Hoilday things, despite my having to work six days a week.

This year I am simply allowing myself to not do, and finding immense joy in it.