Suddenly, The Calendar Is Full....

June 1 2019, Oldest's graduation:

Youngest:  "This is stupid.  It's hot.  It's boring. I'm not doing this for my graduation. Just mail me my diploma."

Me: "You will walk for you graduation.  A lot of people are coming from all over to see you walk.  It's tradition.  Don't be ridiculous."

June 2020:  Damn.  Well, here we are.  Well played kid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took down the school calendar the other day.  Seemed pointless to have it up, as none of the dates were relevant anymore.  I have hung that calendar on the back side of the cupboard door in the kitchen for 13 years.  It was the last one.

The other calendar that hangs by the microwave has hung there all but empty of activity.  Youngest puts his work schedule on it so I have a clue what's going on, but otherwise it has remained empty.  Until this week.

The school announced their plans for the Seniors, most of which is virtual and pre recorded. The wrestling banquet was very well done.  Youngest and I watched it together.  I teared up, he gave a casual smile of pride as he listened to his coach's kind words. It helped make his accomplishments real for him. I may have teared up a bit. I miss the wrestling family so much, and so does he.

Grades close in one week.  Youngest is still digging in, and I'm expecting at least one fail if not five for fourth quarter.  It's not a matter of access, time, or accommodations any more, but rather desire.  It's on him now, and if it bites him in the booty, so be it.  Overall, he'll still pass all his classes with at least a B for the year. And yet, even as I type this, the pit in my stomach rolls.  So hard for me to let this one go, but I have to.

Saturday he will swing by the church and pick up his goodie bag that the Boy Scout Troop made for all the Seniors.  He was the first to get his Eagle Cords for his graduation ceremony, the rest of the Eagle Scouts will get theirs in their goodie bags. They are red, white, and blue, with the Eagle Scout insignia on a metal charm that hangs by the tassel.  I think he's impressed that he will get to wear them. It was the first year they were approved tow ear during the school's ceremony.

Monday they will be issuing refunds for unused lunch money.  Next Wednesday he will turn in his books, and pick up the contents of his gym locker.  The athletic Dept was kind enough to cut everyone's lock off and bag everything up. The loss of the $10 lock is annoying but the book drop this year leads for more concern as it would be so easy for another student to swipe a *missing* book and claim it as their own.  And those suckers are pricey.

On Sunday the 31st, the Athletic Awards Banquet will be televised.  Honestly, I'm excited to watch from home in my jammies. Monday they are having a Virtual Class Day, again televised, that I can enjoy while eating popcorn in the living room.  It is also the deadline for virtual class registration at Youngest's college of choice.  Wednesday is the televised Academic Awards and Scholarship night.  Students who have been granted local scholarships will be notified by mail to watch.  Last year they awarded over 140K in scholarships. While I won't hold my breath, it would be helpful if Youngest got one, as it will help tremendously for the upcoming fall semester. The thousand dollar scholarship Oldest got last year went a long way.

I took Thursday off as it is cap and gown pick up day.  I suspect there will be some small fire I will need to put out via writing a check.  And if not, I can use the day to work on the car décor, because Saturday is graduation. Friday night they are airing the valedictorian, salutatorian, and guest speaker speeches.

Yup.  A drive up graduation.  It's going to be awesome.  Youngest gave me full reign of decorating the truck.  The family will pile in, including the dog.  We will drive downtown along with all the other early letters of the alphabet, drive up to the stage, he'll hop out, walk the stage, grab a *diploma* (the actual certificate will be mailed to avoid errors), snap a picture, and hop back in the truck.

No sunburn.  No waiting for 258 names to be read. No threat of random downpours. No squeezing your way in and out of the stadium gates with 2000 other sweaty people. No trying to find your kid afterwards in a sea of black and teal gowns. No having to park 20 minutes from the school because no one carpools anymore.  And no more squinting to see your kid's moment on the stage, as we'll be just 15 feet away. It's going to be epic.

Well played indeed, kid.  Well played. 

Captain, My Captain....

The pile sat on the table until Youngest got home. Oldest had to pick it up from the coaches for him as he had to work an 8-4.  The coaches had assigned specific time slots on Tuesday to get their awards from the wrestling banquet that never was, as things abruptly ended 3 days before it was to happen.

They all got their Championship Jackets, their school swag T-Shirts.  Youngest got his fourth varsity pin and certificate, as well as his second year acknowledgement of his League All Star success. And the Captains Award. There are roughly 80 kids on the team, twenty seniors, and five captains. They give out maybe 6 plaque awards each year, and not all of them go to seniors.  He got the Captain's Award.  This is a BIG deal.

As he looked at the pile he finally cracked.  It meant nothing without a banquet and being completely embarrassed in front of all his friends by the coaches kind words. My eyes welled up, as the sucker punch landed that neither of us saw coming. I reminded him that it did mean something, that four years of work and those accomplishments should be celebrated. He took a deep breath and said, everyone can say it means something, but it doesn't.  Without a banquet to say it happened, it doesn't matter.  All these things I'm getting gypped out of that I should have, it's not fair and I'm getting cheated from all of it. I can't even get excited about college because every time I get excited about anything good it's taken away. So what's the point? 

And of course, he's right.  There will be a virtual banquet at some point.  The coaches are doing a video presentation and posting for everyone to see. But the time and date are yet to be announced.  Much like the plans for graduation.  The Thursday Night Lights that, had we been properly notified of, we would have attended.  The proposed Senior Night at the school that again, has yet to be announced.  How can these Seniors, many of whom work, plan to be there when they have no definite plans?

They have no definitive plans on when they can go and clean out their lockers or how to return books.  No directive on how to check lunch accounts, or how to pay or request refunds of unused lunch monies. No notice of lost book fees which leaves families forced to pay the outrageous replacement prices. No notifications of scholarship recipients.  No arrangements for captains pins, cords, or NHS sashes. There's no update of if the yearbooks are in, delayed, etc. or how they will be picked up.  "Cap and Gowns will be worn on the sixth as scheduled" is the only communication we have received. And for those of us that work, and need to put in for days off months in advance, even a rain date would be helpful for an actual graduation. All we know is that in 23 days it will all be over for all of them.

But will it really?  Without the end of High School will it even feel like it's over?  Will it even matter if the diploma sits in a pile of stuff on the kitchen table? I try to refocus him to the positive. That while none of the traditional things are happening, that there are once in a lifetime, unique only to his class things that he can be part of. That college is happening, if not in September, then in January. That this whole mess could create opportunities that would never present themselves otherwise.

I plant the seeds and hope it's enough. 

Because honestly, I don't know how many seeds I have left.

The Depression Stage of Corona...

Truth is, my quarantine looks a lot different than everyone most. It actually doesn't look much different than my everyday life.  I go to work everyday. I grocery shop.  I order the things I can't get at Walmart. We get take out. Oldest is playing video games until his work opens.  Youngest is never home.  I've given up on fighting about it.  All of it.

This quarantine for me, is more of a mental mind mess than anything else.  I go out everyday and pretend that nothing is different.  Except it is. The volume of packages is higher than Holiday. We are working split shifts, so while I am still working the same amount of hours, I am not getting out until 4ish, when normally I'd be home at 2. And while I realize that this may seem petty, I need those two extra hours to decompress my day and get things done before the husband comes home and dinner needs to be started.  I worry that we have too much exposure.  I worry that I'm not doing enough to protect my customers.  I worry when someone pats the dog. I worry that I forgot to wipe down the house before everyone goes to bed at night.  I worry that I touched something in the grocery store and put it back when I changed my mind. I worry that my cough isn't allergies, even though I know it is. I have literally worried myself sick, when the truth is, in the end, the way though this IS TO GET SICK and develop the antibodies.

I joined a lot of face book groups when this first started.  A book club. No pressure there.  A bingo club, way fun, but I have to commit to a time frame at night. A theme day that I participated in maybe 3 times. Celebrating our HS Seniors, which I quickly found out was a national group, which was totally overwhelming.  A specific group for our high school seniors, which also became non local seniors and just got confusing. A support our local schools group who planned an entire parade only to have the police change the entire route last minute, which is fine unless you are trying to ensure it doesn't disrupt mail delivery and it involved over 1000 cars. And an adopt a senior group, where we adopt a HS senior and spoil them with surprises to brighten their day.  I started leaving the groups.  I just can't keep up, and it makes me feel even more like a failure. 

I am working.  I am running a house.  I am losing my mind.

I feel like a failure when the emails come and Youngest isn't getting his school work done.  I feel like he should be more on top of this, like I've failed at making him independent.  I feel like I fail because I'm not here to see what's been going on right in front of me, and now it's come to an undeniable head. I can not ensure he's doing his school work or even staying home.  I can't monitor who he's with, or what he's actually doing like other parents who are working from home. And I feel like a failure for it.  I am actually jealous of those who can stay home, which is stupid, because unemployed is NOT what I want to be right now. I nag all the time.  I'm passive aggressive.  This is not who I want to be.

Who I want to be is the tiny snippets of what I put on face book.

The one who finally cleaned the fish tank.  Instead of the person who cleaned it because I failed to  notice that there was a dead fish in it for lord knows how long.

The one who made this sign for the end of the street.  Instead of the person that made this sign to ease her guilt for not doing more.  I can no longer physically make masks, and without that I can't feel like I can contribute in some way.

The one who refinished this old crate I found in the attic of the garage into our official Christmas tree stand, sanding 50 years of dirt grime and mouse pee off, hand drawing our family joke logo, and sealing it so it's clean for next year.  Instead of the person who would admit she had the grimy, mouse pee, crate in her home under her tree last December.

The one who got this from Oldest and the husband for mother's day.  Instead of the one who picked it out herself, whose son didn't actually emerge from his room until 5pm to see what he had paid for.

Or the one who got these roses from her Youngest.  Even though he chose not to spend more than 30 minutes with me on mother's day. Because it's been that bad here with him. 

So I post the pictures in an effort to make myself feel better about the day.  To find glimpses of good in the otherwise drain circling depression I'm in. And two of my good friends comment about how bad I make them feel about how nonproductive they are being. Which again, makes me feel like a failure.

I feel like nothing's real anymore. Social media has been key for many in not feeling isolated, yet suicide rates, alcohol poisoning, domestic abuse, accidental overdose is at an all time high. So many proud families are on food stamps, assistance, and our local food pantry is feeding 3X it's normal homes. Day drinking has become a joke, like it's not concerning at all. I see posts all over face book that aren't real, this isn't new, it's a different level of deceit.  Because now we're all not just hiding behind screens, but behind actual masks in real life. And I think many are pulling those masks all the way up over their eyes.

We are in trouble folks.

Faking It...

The sun came out today.

Which seems ridiculous to say, since it comes up everyday, but today it was OUT.  It was shining. The car dash reported it was 70 degrees. It felt awesome.

With so many gray and rainy cold days here, to have a stretch of 6 with very little drizzle in sight seems unfathomable, but welcome.  I have been grabbing outside things, 3 packs of tulips & daffodils, petunias, potting soil, mulch, etc. on trips out for necessities.  Slowly hoarding them for when the weather turned. Our state is still in lockdown mode, so getting these things is proving challenging if I want to have minimal contact with people.

Today was the day it would all go to use.  The husband ripped out the rhododendron out front.  With the removal of the trees in the yard, and the bad trim I gave it a few years back, it just never recovered.  We replaced it with a rebellious hydrangea which had just planted itself randomly in the garden a few years back.  It was tough to get out of his current home and into it's new one, and if it doesn't make it that's okay.  It didn't cost us a dime.

We planted the flowerbeds with white wave petunias, a random royal blue tiny creeping flower I found, and if I can get lucky enough to find them, I'll add some black petunias as well in a week or two.  School colors for the boy. A show of solidarity and celebration for the Seniors this year, since there will be no parties to speak of.  The husband was busy while I was at work as he also removed and cleaned all of the window boxes.  I'm thinking simple potato vines and dark coleus, just keep it simple.  With no trees, the full sun is tough on them.

We wait for Monday when a decision will be made for graduation. Third term closed for the year and so far Youngest has gotten a PASS in 3 classes of his seven, which is good.  The rest have not posted.  I am sad and frustrated that we do not know what will happen or if the date will be moved, as I need to give work as much notice as possible, and the summer Saturdays are filling up quick. But I respect the decision of the superintendent to tell NO ONE before the Seniors, not even the teachers.

So for now, I am going along as if it's all going to be okay.  I need to feel normal.  I ordered Youngest some College swag... a sweatshirt, and decals for the car.  All the things he would have had already if his accepted student day had not been cancelled last month. I *adopted* a random Senior from his class to treat with special surprises from now to graduation.  I do not know her, but she's heading to Oldest's college, so I ordered her some swag as well and am working on a fun pillow for her dorm. This way I can celebrate someone else from a distance, without knowing their struggle.  I put Youngest up for adoption as well, and he was picked within the hour by another mom I do not know.  I am excited to see what comes his way. I just want to celebrate him as my son, not as all of the things I shouldn't be celebrating about him right now, which is what I'm telling the husband when he makes off handed comments, or jokes that aren't funny anymore.  I just need to celebrate how far he's come and not the challenges we're facing.  My husband just isn't getting that.

Oldest, on the other hand, opted to not take the PASS/FAIL option for second semester. His grades have posted already.  He got a 3.57 and made the Dean's list.  I seriously can not be prouder. With the change in weather he's actually talking about normal things as well. Taking the kayaks out on the pond.  Going for ice cream. Going back to the dorms in the fall.

Normally my mantra is Face It 'Til You Make It.  Because only when we face our demons can we truly overcome them.  But right now, faking it seems to work just fine.  Our demons are unpredictable and undetermined and they are hard to face down.

So this week, we're faking it.  And that's just fine for me.