The Depression Stage of Corona...

Truth is, my quarantine looks a lot different than everyone most. It actually doesn't look much different than my everyday life.  I go to work everyday. I grocery shop.  I order the things I can't get at Walmart. We get take out. Oldest is playing video games until his work opens.  Youngest is never home.  I've given up on fighting about it.  All of it.

This quarantine for me, is more of a mental mind mess than anything else.  I go out everyday and pretend that nothing is different.  Except it is. The volume of packages is higher than Holiday. We are working split shifts, so while I am still working the same amount of hours, I am not getting out until 4ish, when normally I'd be home at 2. And while I realize that this may seem petty, I need those two extra hours to decompress my day and get things done before the husband comes home and dinner needs to be started.  I worry that we have too much exposure.  I worry that I'm not doing enough to protect my customers.  I worry when someone pats the dog. I worry that I forgot to wipe down the house before everyone goes to bed at night.  I worry that I touched something in the grocery store and put it back when I changed my mind. I worry that my cough isn't allergies, even though I know it is. I have literally worried myself sick, when the truth is, in the end, the way though this IS TO GET SICK and develop the antibodies.

I joined a lot of face book groups when this first started.  A book club. No pressure there.  A bingo club, way fun, but I have to commit to a time frame at night. A theme day that I participated in maybe 3 times. Celebrating our HS Seniors, which I quickly found out was a national group, which was totally overwhelming.  A specific group for our high school seniors, which also became non local seniors and just got confusing. A support our local schools group who planned an entire parade only to have the police change the entire route last minute, which is fine unless you are trying to ensure it doesn't disrupt mail delivery and it involved over 1000 cars. And an adopt a senior group, where we adopt a HS senior and spoil them with surprises to brighten their day.  I started leaving the groups.  I just can't keep up, and it makes me feel even more like a failure. 

I am working.  I am running a house.  I am losing my mind.

I feel like a failure when the emails come and Youngest isn't getting his school work done.  I feel like he should be more on top of this, like I've failed at making him independent.  I feel like I fail because I'm not here to see what's been going on right in front of me, and now it's come to an undeniable head. I can not ensure he's doing his school work or even staying home.  I can't monitor who he's with, or what he's actually doing like other parents who are working from home. And I feel like a failure for it.  I am actually jealous of those who can stay home, which is stupid, because unemployed is NOT what I want to be right now. I nag all the time.  I'm passive aggressive.  This is not who I want to be.

Who I want to be is the tiny snippets of what I put on face book.

The one who finally cleaned the fish tank.  Instead of the person who cleaned it because I failed to  notice that there was a dead fish in it for lord knows how long.

The one who made this sign for the end of the street.  Instead of the person that made this sign to ease her guilt for not doing more.  I can no longer physically make masks, and without that I can't feel like I can contribute in some way.

The one who refinished this old crate I found in the attic of the garage into our official Christmas tree stand, sanding 50 years of dirt grime and mouse pee off, hand drawing our family joke logo, and sealing it so it's clean for next year.  Instead of the person who would admit she had the grimy, mouse pee, crate in her home under her tree last December.

The one who got this from Oldest and the husband for mother's day.  Instead of the one who picked it out herself, whose son didn't actually emerge from his room until 5pm to see what he had paid for.

Or the one who got these roses from her Youngest.  Even though he chose not to spend more than 30 minutes with me on mother's day. Because it's been that bad here with him. 

So I post the pictures in an effort to make myself feel better about the day.  To find glimpses of good in the otherwise drain circling depression I'm in. And two of my good friends comment about how bad I make them feel about how nonproductive they are being. Which again, makes me feel like a failure.

I feel like nothing's real anymore. Social media has been key for many in not feeling isolated, yet suicide rates, alcohol poisoning, domestic abuse, accidental overdose is at an all time high. So many proud families are on food stamps, assistance, and our local food pantry is feeding 3X it's normal homes. Day drinking has become a joke, like it's not concerning at all. I see posts all over face book that aren't real, this isn't new, it's a different level of deceit.  Because now we're all not just hiding behind screens, but behind actual masks in real life. And I think many are pulling those masks all the way up over their eyes.

We are in trouble folks.