Hanging On By A Glass Spun Thread....

My son is a pot head.

I have struggled with this for a long time because this is not at all who he was 2 years ago. He was behind the curve in everything, technology, social media, video games.  He'd have rather gone camping with his friends, exercised, or read a book.  That all changed of course when the first substantial girl friend came along, introduced him to Instagram, Snap Chat, Vapes, Dab Pens, and the like. If I had to pin point it all, it was that manipulation, the intrusion of social media, the pressure of peers and wanting to appear older (she was a Senior, he a Junior), and of course how badly she treated him in the end, that began the downward trend. 

He was so healthy, watching every calorie, religiously working out.  And today, he struggles. In the last few years they have legalized pot for recreational use here (over 21) and for medicinal use (18 and over).  He has an underlying mood disorder that we are trying to address with medication, and of course, nothing works as well as the pot for him. But you can't drive a car and smoke.  Or weld a joint after smoking one.  Or, repair the damage you're doing to your frontal lobe before it's fully developed.  It's hard to get him on board with pharmaceutical medicines when they all take so long to work, and he doesn't even remember what it was like to feel good in his own body. 

It's frustrating at times.  He's still on his base meds which are working well.  They stave off the depression, the worthless feelings of wanting to die, and the lack of wanting to shower or be motivated in anything. He's weaning himself off his manic meds though, claiming they inhibit his appetite.  It's been 4 days on half a dose, he's already left the oven on twice, is showing lack of focus, and has had an uptick in recklessness.  And, of course, the pot use is increasing.  We have an appointment with his med doctor on Wednesday.  She wants to try another manic drug, I'm not so sure that will be a good fit for him.  I'm inclined to try him on one that worked well for his father when he was in his twenties, hoping the genetic component will be a useful tool in getting the combo right.  But it's hard when things go well and he pulls the plug on them.  The self sabotage is painful to watch.  The self medicating is scary.  It's so hard to even get him to take a multivitamin again, let alone one that may give him unwanted side effects. 

I tell myself that just because he's 18 on paper, that doesn't make him 18. That he's working through things at his own pace and that this will pass in a few years.  I believe that if I put that out there it will happen, because if I put out there anything different it's like wishing for the worst to happen. It's pathetic really, how much I want to connect with him, and stay connected. 

When he was young he did Karate.  We spent 6 nights a week at the dojo. When he wanted to be a Boy Scout, I became the Treasurer, the Advancements Coordinator, and eventually the Committee Chair. When he wanted to read, I bought him every book, even read some of them after he was done. When he wanted to be obsessive about his eating, we bought him a scale, and learned about macros and food combinations. We have a full gym in the garage for on demand workouts. When he wanted to wrestle, we used up personal time off at work, went to every meet, drove 2 hours 4 nights a week off season so he could train.  Those car rides are still some of my favorite memories, the wrestling funk, not so much.   

His newest endeavor is making bongs.  It's not illegal to make them. Heck you can buy them on Amazon. He enjoys crafting ones for friends, himself, or anyone really, because he thinks they are cool. There's a kid that graduated from his high school a few years ahead of him who makes 6 figures blowing hand crafted ones.  Six figures in his twenties. *sigh*  So of course, his newest endeavor is glass blowing for this specific purpose.  

Part of me wants to condemn this.  All of this.  But where will that get me?  He will just close off, he will spiral deeper into things way worse, and I will never be able to reach him. But in truth, when he's out in the garage crafting his glass, he's spending more time making them than smoking from them. So, not unlike how he started Karate when I was afraid of what he'd be like with ninja skills, or wrestling with all the cheap shots to the head and ligament injuries, I enrolled both of us in a class.

It's horribly addictive and way harder than I thought it would be.  Glass is heavy my friends.  COVID, of course, prevents any type of blowing to be done, but hot molding of glass, and learning the basics is still fair game. And the best part?  The studio happens to be right behind Oldest's school.  We can literally visit him once he's back on campus, take a class, and Oldest can pick up our finished pieces for us.  We made pumpkins...

Next month, it's Christmas ornaments for the tree. Perhaps after that we'll be able to learn some basics in blowing.  Sometimes the hardest part being a parent of an adult child is understanding that you don't have to agree with them, or even like the end goal, but if you can find that one common thread within it you can stay a part of what's going on, and hopefully guide them forward in small subtle ways.

Even if that's the thinnest most fragile of glass spun threads.