Changing The Narrative...

 The boys have had a mentor for as long as I can remember.  He has become a family friend now, taking them to dinner and ice cream, to talk through things they can't articulate to me, or anyone else. He has a way with kids of age particularly ones that the sicker chart reward/punishment system simply does not work on. Among his favorite techniques to use is Now What?  Okay, you wanted to do that, so now what? What happens now?  It's a powerful thing, to put the consequences in the mind of a child. Interestingly enough, many of them know what the consequences will be, even before they did something, and because they made the choice ahead of the game to do whatever it was, they sat easier with the consequences. Most days, it worked out well.  Other days, it worked out with my son hitting him in the head with a wayward pool ball. Far in the past, they laugh about it now, yet he's never held it against him. He just got better at ducking.

An English major, he challenged kids to change the narrative. When they are furious with something, he'd instruct them to tell the story from a different prospective.  Instead of my mom's a jerk, she's such a nag, why can't she just leave me alone? It's my Mom's nagging me because I'm not listening, and I'm not listening because I don't like what she wants me to do. Does it get them out of trouble? No.  But it does help them process the narrative in a way that allows them to see the solution weather they chose to use it or not. 

This morning I was thinking about this as Youngest and I had had some doozy of fights over the weekend. His current narrative, not unlike that of most just-under-twenties, is confrontative. You don't control me.  You can't say I have a problem. You can't say I'm smoking too much. That's not your decision to make.  And he's right, sadly.  It's not in my control at all. But in order to live in this house, you have to be part of the family, which includes speaking and treating us with respect, following the few rules we have, and to taking responsibility for yourself.  If he can't do that, then he needs to look for a new place to live. Which of course, in that narrative translates into you're kicking me out. 

But what if he was able to flip the narrative? What if the narrative was I want to be part of the family, and I know they don't like it when I smoke, it causes fights and distrust.  So instead, I will only smoke once or twice a week, I will respect the common spaces, and I will not say things purely for the shock factor.  I will make this choice because I like living here, and I don't want to hurt them so much with my choices. 

Both narratives, so I'm by the master mentor, are the same thing. One is more of defiance, and the other is more of a compromise. One makes it all about him, and the other makes it about how his choice effects others, and inevitably, him. I've given him the binding, the pages, the title of the book, but he's in charge of writing it. His thought is that I can't edit it for him, I can not scream plot twist mid chapter, and expect him to go along.  Life, and growth, doesn't work that way. 

But man, I wish it did.