Week 38...

I'm blaming my absence on technical difficulties, along with my not paying the internet bill on time, and not promptly responding to emails. While I can pull emails up on my phone, the new way in which they appear is causing me to miss many of them and delete the others. I have actually been trying to get my computer functioning since 9am this morning.  It's now quarter to one. And truth be told, with life's distractions, I'm not even sure when or if this will post, but here goes.

The last three-ish weeks have been wet, dreary, and rain soaked. No one better be talking about a water ban this year, because we've had more than our fill.  Thankfully we are not in the hardest hit areas, nor did we get a direct hit from Hurricane Lee, but still, we've had more than our share.  As I sit typing away, we are expected to get another two inches throughout the day, much to my and the dog's dismay. 

The rain's made it a good day to sit on the phone for over an hour on hold with the New Jersey Turnpike Authority.  It seems, that within his little trip to Jersey last month Youngest zipped through several lanes of the NJ turnpike in the cash only lanes. Unfortunately, there's no online option for "I'm too stupid to read the ginormous sign" and he was hit with not one, but FOUR penalty charges for his carelessness. An hour later I was able to get a nice person on the line who waved the charges and enabled him to pay just the fees. Needless to say, he's getting an ezpass for future travels and I'm getting myself a cookie for my hard work and patience.

And while some of you may say, it's not your job to sit on hold or handle anything for him, or he'll never learn if you don't stop doing those things, let me first say that you're right. But here's the thing. Since April of 2020, Youngest has planned eight suicide attempts. I do not know how many he has actually tried, but thus far, he's thankfully been unsuccessful. There have been many things I've stopped helping with, condoning, or facilitating in those three years. Much of his struggle has been his and his alone. And in January, when he came face to face with himself and hated everything he'd become, he knew it was time for a change. The first few months were excessively difficult. And then one day, it wasn't.  He started taking care of himself. Organizing his life. Changing direction.

He turned around and headed right back to where he was headed pre-covid, back to personal health and fitness.  He enrolled in a very expensive, but nationally accredited online course to become a personal trainer. He struggled for months with the curriculum.  He learns better in a classroom, with conversation and discussion.  Independant learning is tough for him. And this subject matter, antimony, physiology, kinesiology, is hard for anyone. Nevertheless, he kept going. I spent countless hours on the phone with the company, mainly for payment issues on their end, and for testing dates.  I did that for him because I could, and often I could resolve it for him faster that way. His first deadline to test for his certification was coming at the end of September, so we scheduled it for last week, knowing full well that 40% of students fail their first go around. Fully aware we didn't have the technical setup to take it online at home, I urged him to take it in person. Agreeing, he headed over to the local college 45 minutes away for his proctored exam, and I waited to hear.

He passed.

And in that moment, I was reminded of all the things he's been up against his whole life that no one ever thought he'd get through and did. His whole life has been a series of hills to climb, which he has done with us both cheering from the sidelines and leaning on us when he got too tired. And when he fell down that mountain it was equally as heartbreaking, and downright devastating for us all. And since picking himself up off the rocky gravel of the valley below, he's climbed small hills, steady inclines. But this was his first real summit to climb since, and he succeeded. 

Now he's setting sights on new mountains, both big and small, with a renewed sense of empowerment and worthiness, with a knowingness of wanting to be here, present in his life.

So yeah, it's not my job to spend hours on hold. But if it levels out the ground so he can stand firmly and reset his mindset, I will gladly do it. 

Now if I can only figure out what I did with the internet bill.