What Next?

The time of COVID has effected everyone differently.

Here, we did not get the time at home.  There was no mass cleaning of closets, organizing of spices and junk drawers, or compiling of old photos. We worked. All of us. And until the science evolved, we went in everyday unsure of if we would be bringing it home to each other, or to our extended families. There was gut wrenching guilt of going to the stores, going to work, seeing people, not seeing people, going without, and not going without.

Youngest's end of Senior year was horrendous, of which I have written a lot about. Although I suspect when looking back, he will love that the dog was at his drive through graduation ceremony, stealing the show in the middle front seat of the truck. As for the rest, just a blip on the radar of his life.

We've moved now into the beginning of Freshman and Sophomore years of college. I brought Oldest into the city today for his COVID test and you could see it in his face.  He misses it. The bustle of the city, living in the dorms, his friends. He has one in-person class this semester and it just doesn't make sense for his to live on campus if 90% of the time he'd be online anyway. Commuting in one day a week saves him $12K per semester and allows him to still stay connected. He agrees this is the right move at this time, but still, his heartbreak is palpable.

Youngest has no friends at his college yet, as he is just starting his freshman year. His school is about 3 hours away, far enough away for independence, and yet close enough for me to go get him.  Which is key, because 12 hours after dropping him off on Thursday, I was back to get him on Friday.

He made some very poor choices. Stupid choices combined with mass misunderstanding, and he had to come home.  He meets with a panel to see if he can continue on, or needs to find another path. In the hours it took to get to him, I had so many emotions, but mostly heartbreak. He was allowed to take only what he would need for a week at home, as opposed to cleaning out entirely, which is the norm.  That in itself is hopeful.  He started classes online today, along with all the other students, and hopefully can resume his hybrid classes on campus next week.  The semester in itself is a hybrid, having only 10 weeks on campus (now 9 for him) and the last 4 at home anyway.

I suspect he subconsciously sabotaged himself.  No one could possibly be that stupid. When he returned home he revealed a secret he'd been hiding from everyone for over a month that quickly eclipsed his temporary boot from school. I can't put the words on paper, but it was lifechanging, and when it resolved itself a few days later, you could see a tiny speck of life come back into him.  He's eating again, with the help of some herbal supplements, and been sober since Friday.

But here's the thing.... he's not sure he wants to go back.  He says the things he loved about the school are gone.  The gym is extremely limited. The Olympic sized swimming pool is closed. The pool and foosball tables are gone from all the lounges.  They can't sit more than 5 people in the common rooms. The cafeteria is grab and go only, so while the food is amazing, you have to go back to your room to eat it or sit out on the lawn, by yourself. It's a sports school with no sports.  The 100 year old tradition of freshman orientation, usually a huge rally in the stadium seats, with smaller breakout get-to-know-you groups, and crazy hats, had been reduced to groups of 15 sitting on the lawn in their funny hats listening to it on the radio. The second day of orientation was done completely remote because of weather, and in their dorm rooms. They literally haven't been able to explore the campus, or even meet other kids freely because they can't have more than 2 kids in a room. And masking is expected at all times unless they are alone in their rooms, eating, or showering. Which technically means that even when their roommate is is the room, the mask needs to be on... including sleeping.  Which is ridiculous.

Logically he knows that the school will return to the one he fell in love with, but that's not what he's emerged in right now. His classes can be converted to all online and he can see where the restrictions fall in January if he is allowed to continue on. But the distractions of home are plentiful, and I worry that he won't stick to the schedule he needs to in order to succeed. 

He's had a mentor since he was 8 from a local club he would go to afterschool.  He took him out that first Friday night and got him to unlock the secret, that of course opened the floodgate for a tiny bit of truthfulness with the rest of us. They went out to dinner again tonight. He told his brother that he's like his new therapist.  And I'm good with that, I need all the help I can get with him. I suspect they are talking about what's next, and if it's possible for him to sit in the college meeting on Thursday as a mentor, since I am not able to. Literally, the college won't allow parents/guardians to be part of any disciplinary hearings.

Again, ridiculous.

But these were his poor choices, and his consequences. He will have to advocate for himself, better than he ever has, and hope that's enough. And then if he has the opportunity, he will have to decide what's next for himself. Tough it out on campus, remote learning, or start over entirely.

And that of course is the issue for all of us right now, right? 

Determining what's next in this year of 2020.

Murder hornets. 

Riots.

EEE outbreaks. 

Australia to California has burned to the ground, Louisiana is underwater.

Masks, no masks, follow the arrows or not.

Hurricanes, bizarre storms, micro bursts.

Stocks plummet, Billionaires somehow profit.

Our freedom, literally has left us unable to move about the world freely.

Online, offline, job, no job.

Non essential, essential, sacrificial.

Orange Man, Sniffing Man.

2020, What's next?