I had a therapy session on Monday.
It did not go well.
I've been seeing this therapist for some time now, and I really like her, but as she reminded me this week, I am not just here because of Youngest. No matter how much I want to blame all my stress on him.
She kept asking me what I get in return from taking care of everyone.
Well, Duh... it's just who I am. It's what I do. It's what I always have done. Since I was, like, four.
Except that it's not who I am, it's what I do. (Insert eye roll here as this is what I consistently say to Youngest about his choices of late.) This of course, sent the brain spinning in all directions, some healthy, some not. Most thoughts involving a deep need for ice cream.
Looking back, I can see that in the beginning I did it because I would be needed and more needed I was, the more important I was. My self worth was completely tied into how dependent other people were on me. Then my kids were born, and they like, actually needed me.
And quickly I realized that if you could dress yourself and drive a car, I didn't need to be taking care of you. My husband at the time of course didn't like that, as he had become so dependent that when I was no longer there, he in fact, didn't survive.
I spent a lot of time in therapy figuring out that what I wanted was to not be needed, but to be wanted, and I settled for nothing less. The husband, regardless of how lost he says he'd be without me, was a fully functioning adult before we met and I took over nearly every facet of his life.
Because that's what I do, I take care of things. I'm a organizer, a planner, a list maker, and he was just fine with that. Unlike before, it's now a choice to do these things for others. I see that we are almost out of the boy's Banza chickpea pasta and choose to pick up more. I choose to help navigate health insurance waivers for Oldest's college. I ensure everyone is taking the right cold medicines at appropriate times and choose to take the day off to ensure that Youngest gets his chest x-rayed tomorrow and not just an it's a cold, go home from the on call doctor tomorrow. Now a days I choose this, for those I love most, therefore making it a substantial part of who I am. I take care of others, because I feel better knowing that their life is a bit easier.
I don't see this as a flaw. But I can see how, if I'm not careful, even being selective on who I do the most for, will leave me wiped out and empty, unable to help anyone. What my therapist doesn't see is the progress I've made in saying no. The amount of phone calls that go unanswered because I know my limits, and family functions I don't attend because I just don't want to. That I am surrounding myself with people who understand what I'm going through and bring as much to the table as I do. And perhaps the most important thing, that I am purposefully doing things for no recognition at all in an effort to break my psychological correlation of other's appreciation and my self worth.
It is not an easy task friends.
Yesterday I was cleaning out mail boxes along the route as I've been training someone for the past week. I stopped at every box, ensure the correct mail was there, and cleaned out mistakes, etc. along the way. I have an older gentleman on the route who I routinely talk to. I noticed his box was stuffed extra full and started to ensure it was all his. When I noticed it was a full week's worth of mail, I made the decision to take 2 minutes out of my day to go to the door. He didn't answer. I checked in with a few neighbors, one who had seen him 4 days ago. He said he'd ask another neighbor who had a key. I thanked him, said it was most likely nothing, but if he could check in that'd be great and I went on my way. The old me might have done more, but the new me knows my limits.
Thing is, he was not okay. Living alone, he sat naked, most likely an effort to stay cool in the massive heat wave we were having, in his recliner eating dinner, when something went wrong. His house was unkept and by the time the neighbors found him, incoherent, in this state it had been days, the food was rotting, he was filthy, and the rats were everywhere. He's been removed from the home. The home will be condemned. He is alive but will likely not be back. He does not talk to his sons. He has no one else.
Most carriers in my office would have just kept stuffing the mailbox. He's alive because I chose to spend two minutes of my day making sure he was okay. And I will not apologize for that. It's who I am. It's who I choose to be.
Some day I will be gone, and the legacy that I want to leave is not that of a doormat, but that of a difference. That my existence in others lives made a difference to them. Be it from 2 minutes on the mail route, or a lifetime of second chances and unconditional love. Or, maybe just a balance between the two. Because if not caring about people is the way for me to be healthy, I think I'm okay with being a little bit under the weather.
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks.
I hope you can find a balance, but like the side you have chosen.
Juli - thank goodness you took those two minutes! Yes, we (especially as moms) tend to do far more than we should for our loved ones - we just need to learn when to step in and when to let them figure it out. But for the strangers - yes, we do need to take the two minutes; sometimes those two minutes will turn their life around.
ReplyDeleteI have seen a number of counsellors mostly without much help
ReplyDeleteSo glad you were observant and realized something was causing a red flag in you to have that elderly man looked at and eventually get the help he needed. There's a fine balance between enabling and helping in our efforts to take care of others (at least for me lol). I sense you have found (or in the process of finding) that balance. Some of it involves making sure those you are trying to help and organize for, etc. really want the help. Like I said, its a balancing act. I'm sure you got it covered!
ReplyDeletebetty
Just wow. I takes so little to care enough, to be observant. Good on you!
ReplyDeleteHow kind of you to set the wheels in motion so that man could be discovered and helped. You are a good, kind person, and the therapist doesn't really know you and doesn't understand the changes you've made.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
All,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. Apparently he had a stroke. He's still in critical care. Doctors said he'd likely not have made it much longer so it's good he got care when he did. Fingers crossed he can use this good fortune to mend things with his sons before his time does come.
As for my therapist, I was juts taken a back by her thought on completely walking away from taking care of people stance. It made me think, clearly, which is part of her plan, I'm sure. (She's tricky like that) Because I clearly choose to be a caregiver, but she's right in that doing more than what makes me happy is not caring, it's enabling. Something we'll be discussing in our next session.
Thank God that Old Man has Caring you to do some Extra and so he didn't perish. The fact his Neighbors hadn't seen him for Days and one had a Key and hadn't checked in, is proof Society is becoming very much less involved and egocentric. In describing your way of Being you could have been describing my way of Being and I'm Okay with how we are, it does make a difference. I set limits and boundaries but I know that I always am Extra when it comes to Caring about people and making sure everyone is Okay. Sometimes I go overboard too, it's hard to Dial back on the Caregiving if you've done it a long time and if people have needed the Extra Love and Attention given. So long as you Give of yourself Cheerfully and choose to I don't see it as a flaw at all... so long as you also take Care of you too. We do have to Guard against those who would mistake Kindness for Weakness, there is a Dark Side to me too that won't be trifled with... I'll do anything for anyone, but I will certainly roll up the Doormat and make it a Club. *winks* The fine line of Caring and Enabling is a tightrope walk tho', to be sure.
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