"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have,
not the child you thought you'd have."
~The Water Giver
Youngest has returned home. Barely. He's abiding by the rules, briefly spending time at home when no one else is around. I added that he must stay overnight a minimum of 4 nights a week here and make it home on time if he wants to continue being here. This was conveyed via text of course because he is hardly never around to talk face to face, and responded to with the standard ok. He is barely taking his medication, much to my disappointment. If he leaves for good he won't take them anyways, and maybe if I stop harping on it, he may opt to take them on his own. The withdrawal is visible though, such a shame since it took 6 months to get them right.
The Husband mentioned yesterday that he was scrolling through his phone and was overwhelmed with sadness when he stumbled on old pictures of him a year ago. So healthy. Wrestling. Eating. Focused. On a pathway for success. I told him it was time to let it go. It was time to take the HS wrestling and the college stickers off the truck. It's not who he is anymore. And if by some lightning strike of a miracle, he pulls his head out of his ass and comes to his senses, he still won't be that person. All those things do, the stickers, the hat and college alumni sweatshirt, is serve as a painful reminder of the path not chosen.
He's forever changed himself.
I calculated how much he will owe me for summer session. I asked him at a brief encounter last night when he would have it for me. He insists the session is not over and that he still has the chance to get a B, and until it is officially over he still has time to pay up his half of the money. He's passed in 2 more assignments. His grade has gone from a 51 to a 56. Again, I'm reluctantly letting it go. The child that had focus and drive is now non existent, lost in a puff of skunky smelling smoke.
I texted him some highlights of our upcoming trip. He's not sure he wants to go as he may not have fun. I suggested that he look over some of the links, as you should never make a decision without knowing what you will regret not doing later. I have no idea if he's taken the time to look at them or think about it at all. Communication is not something this new child does either.
I did the best I can with him, and I if I'm being truthful I'm not sure I could have done anything better. I know I was the right and best mother for him. I think he just fell off the rails and now he's just being dragged along. Oldest sat on the couch with me last night, more in an effort to steal the good blanket, but we sat and watched TV nonetheless, chit chatting about nothing. It makes me furious that the sadness and loss of who Youngest was prevents me from fully enjoying the awesomeness of Oldest. Youngest is so much like his father it's becoming very hard for me to distinguish the two. He mentioned that it sucked, that the only person who could ever support him right now has been dead for ten years. Of course I cut him off, and told him he would not be supportive of his choices, simply because he knows how hard his life will be. His father made all the same choices he is now, and his life was exponentially hard. He shrugged it off as usual, another invalidated truth now that his father's gone.
I am tired of his playing the victim. That he's somehow been wronged, or had a bad hand dealt. These are his choices. He chose to be homeless for the week. He chose to puff his day away. He chose to distance himself from the family. He's chosen to not do the work, and possibly fail out of school. I have supported everything he's ever wanted to do, karate 6 nights a week for 2 years, wrestling 3 hours away 5 days a week for 4 years, tournaments, hotel stays, Boy Scouts, even sending him a thousand miles away for the National jamboree. I sat in teacher conferences, advocated for him, and indulged every crazy idea he's ever had. Yet, if you ask him, we've never supported him at all.
So I'm slowly letting it all go., and accepting this notion that he will ever be more than the childish, selfish boy in front of us now. I am selling off the dorm sheets and towels that have gone unused. I am scraping the stickers off the truck. Packing away the championship jackets, the ghi for both karate and jujitsu. I am cancelling his med check appointment. I am giving up trying to save the child I raised for so many years.
And praying like hell the child he has become will save himself.