Monday, June 26, 2023

Week 26? No Wait, 25.

 I need to stop rushing the weeks, they go by fast enough. 

This past week had Father's Day and the Hubs birthday.  Hubs was on vacation for ten days, so not a whole lot got done.  We had lobsters with my parents on Wednesday night, a late father's day dinner. Hubs gift arrived right on time, despite being shipped all over the country. I bought him a new bumper for his truck. It made it all the way to Connecticut before heading back to the Midwest, and then back to CT two days later, and then here. I was smart enough to call the dealership and get the exact part number for his VIN, but sadly not smart enough to realize he had aftermarket tow gear installed and that it wouldn't be a quick swap.  Hubs, my Dad, and my nephew are tackling that on Saturday.  Fingers crossed I can afford the nickels needed for the swear jar. 

Father's day was more or less uneventful, Oldest was home for the weekend, Bonus son came by, Youngest was in and out. All the kids signed the birthday card for the Hubs, including Youngest, who had time to think about it and still opted to be part of the gift, so that's something.  I also found them sitting on either ends of the couch the other day, however brief, which may sound stupid, but given the last six months, is epic. 

Otherwise, not much to report.  They tried to call me in to work today, but given I slept most of the day Sunday, I really wanted to make an effort to get some things done instead. I worked up some crafts on my cricut, stripped Youngest's steamer trunk that I'm refinishing for him, reorganized the garage, saw my parents for breakfast, filled screw holes and caulked seams in the laundry room's new drywall, unscrewed & tossed the solar light that Hubs ran over with the lawnmower, and screwed some wheels onto that huge slice of wood I got from my neighbor so I can move it around easier. I've discovered it makes a great footrest for the Adirondacks. I also finished applying/cosigning for Oldest's Masters tuition, only to find out that it appears federal aid is going to cover it. The bursar's office is known for making critical mistakes, so we're not getting our hopes up, but if it's true it means I don't have to co-sign and the interest rate is less than half of the other.  We shall see. 

That's all for now, see you in week 26, hopefully with pictures.

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Week 23-25ish

 Not sure what week of the year I'm on, must be the massive amount of cold medicine I'm currently consuming. I could chronicle the ups and downs going on over the last two weeks. I could announce that just as we finally got the dog on the right dose of meds for her Cushing's disease, she had a Grand Mal Seizure. At least we think she did, it was pretty textbook, but the vet says that a heart condition can look exactly the same. So there's that. I could go on about the stupidity that is our loan system for higher education, and the outrageous interest rates Oldest and I are contemplating for his master's program, but no one wants to hear about that. I could say that Hubs is finally getting on board with the laundry/extra bathroom downstairs, but that would only be half true, or that his retirement seminar conference call went wonderfully, but that would be an actual lie.

So instead, I'll just post some pictures...

Behold! The first strawberry of the season. Time for a teeny tiny shortcake.

This is the primary culprit for my massive pollen induced sinus infection... The left side of the driveway is 75 feet of flowers.  Early spring/summer it's all purples and pinks.  We are slowly shifting to yellows and oranges, with a bit of red now...
My peonies didn't last nearly enough this year.  heavy rain wiped them out, and sadly they couldn't come in because Kiki likes to eat all household plants. Oddly we didn't get a single yellow one this year, but we did get white and blue irises, which I haven't ever seen.  So I'm not sure what's really going on in this section of the garden.

The beach roses are everywhere around here.  They grow wild and smell amazing. They are typically found in white and pink, but can also bloom in yellow and reddish purple. These are lining the road in front of the vacant (nearly demolished) house on our road. Honestly, it's so overgrown over there that most people have no idea there's a house in there at all.
Daylilies are on round one of their blooms.  These guys will go until fall if I dead head them. We also have yellow, but they're not ready yet.
These lilies are the first to bloom of the lilies I bought last fall along with the tulips and daffodils...
The flower boxes are filling in nicely....
This is the second year for the clematis.  It's trellising up the old well pump and over the garage door trellis, so about 10 feet so far.  Not too shabby.  We got a white one to compliment this and the dark purple ones we have growing in the same planter.
The prickly pear are showing some signs of life. I thought they were goners this year, but nope.
I loved my first bonsai tree to death. Sad but true....
So I started a new one....
The aforementioned bathroom is coming along.  I found this brand new sink (originally $610, on clearance for $186, according to the Home Depot sticker.) for $25 on FB marketplace 5 miles from my house. Then I saw that the Habitat for Humanity Re-store was having a half off sale, so I scouted it out and sent the Hubs to pick up this vanity on the day of the sale while I was at work. With the $45 spent on the vanity, our grand total for the bathroom so far is $350, and all that's left to get is 2 sheets of drywall, the crazy expensive macerating toilet, and hiring the plumber to put it in. And, maybe some paint, I haven't decided if I want to splurge on a new color yet.

Oh... and I started painting rocks...

It costs me nothing but time and a bit of art supplies. I hide them in plain sight all over. I hid one at the hospital yesterday while there for my check up, and two down at the pond.  Because no matter how bad or primitive they are, they are a treasure to someone finding them. 


Wednesday, June 14, 2023

It's All Fine, Or Not...

 My neighbor had a tree taken down last week. The trucks blocked the road for about two hours. While mildly inconvenient, I parked in his driveway and walked the way back to my house. As it happened, the tree guys left a perfectly round 6" by 24" piece of trunk that was perfect for photographing the glass from Youngest's smoke shop collection in the basement. The neighbor of course, said I could have it. 

I went over to pick it up, dolly in hands, and he met me out at the wood pile. Yup, a lot's going on at the house this summer. he says. Alot indeed, I laughed. In fact, a lot has happened for my neighbor.  In two years, he went from a single guy with a dog, to 2 dogs, 1 cat, father to an infant girl, and a weird custody situation of said infant's mother's 4-year-old daughter as well because she is now unfit to care for either of them. In addition, he was injured at work, and while the case is settled, he has to find work within a year, difficult to do with a permanent injury. And yet, when I ask him how he's holding up, he smiles and says everything's fine.

I assure you he's not fine.

I was a single mom for years. I managed, but I was not fine. People don't actually want the truth when they ask, no one wants to hear that you're stuck in the weeds and can't even remember the last time you showered, or that the kids are eating cereal all day, every day. 

I struggled as a single Mom, my ex being little to no help. His visits, while only 2 times a month for three hours, were with one son at a time, so my only full break from parenthood was while I was working. I was tired all the time. As the kids got older, they went to friend's houses, but given Youngest's propensity to flip on a dime, it wasn't an often occurrence. Add to this that his behavioral challenges reinforced the silent and not so silent judgement from other parents.  As if, because their homes had two parents in them, it was somehow better than ours. That somehow, I was the reason he was difficult.  

Around second grade Youngest made friends with a boy in his class. Hesitant, I dropped him to play for an hour. Our town is pretty big, this house is about 25 minutes away from ours, so after I dropped him off I did some shopping at the grocery store nearby, and promptly retuned to get him. I remember going to pick him up, and the Mom stood blocking the doorway. She boldly looked at me and said, Now, I'll let you in, but you have to promise not to judge me by what my house looks like. And then she laughed the most infectious laugh I've ever heard, even today, it still makes me smile. 

It was the realest thing I'd ever heard.

She has no idea how much I love her for that. In that instant, she had given me permission to not be fine. There she was, a fully capable mom of two, happily married in her 3-bedroom 2 bath house, making no apologies. At that moment I realized that no one is fine no matter how pretty the hydrangeas look in the front yard. While Youngest and her son went in different directions over the years, our friendship, while distant, remains a constant.

She is, and will always be, one of the few realest people I have in my life. She hates when I tell that story, it embarrasses her I guess, but then she laughs and laughs. I continue to tell it because it's an important one, we don't always have to be fine.

So to my neighbor, I see you. I hear the chaos of dog's and kids as I go by, you don't need to hide it. I don't care if your house is a disaster when I stop by, or if you haven't showered in days. I don't care if I come for tea and all you have is bottled water. I'm tired of the fake happy posts, and unobtainable online presence, the assumption that your couch isn't covered in dog hair like mine or that you also don't have laundry in the dryer to be folded or dishes in the sink. 

It's time to be real.

It's not always fine.


 

Sunday, June 4, 2023

Week Twenty Two...

 I've been back to work for a month now and it's been physically exhausting. While I am mostly healed from the surgery, every now and then I am reminded that I'm missing a third of my guts and I need to sit down for a breather. My knees have been acting up as well, so I've had to incorporate my PT routine into my before bed ritual. That being said, I am still grabbing every bit of OT I can.

Dog meds don't pay for themselves. Neither does an additional half bath.

I may have mentioned that Hubs is against the half bath addition in the basement once or twice, or six hundred times. With that in mind, I'm picking away at small things, mainly using up remnants of old projects and free finds to keep costs low. Every day after work I've knocked out a bit.  A wall up here, studs cut to fit there, drywall around the built in bookshelves.  It has a LONG way to go, but I can see it happen. The square footage is a weird layout of roughly 80 square feet.  Somewhere mid-week I realized that if I swung the washer and dryer from their original location to the side, it would enable the new layout to work in 60 square feet instead of the originally planned 20. 

Me: So I've been thinking... just hear me out.

Him: Oh God...

Me: No, seriously.  If I swing the washer dryer to this wall then we have all *this* space to work the toilet/sink layout. I measured it, it will fit with six inches to spare.  I just lose some access to the lower shelves, but I can make that up with upper cabinets.

Him: What about the plugs? Hoses? It's all got to be moved.

Me: Yeah. It's a ton of work, but the dryer vent is already over there.  I moved the dryer vent 17 years ago through the window, but now if I move it back, I can put the window back in. And they sell ten foot washer hoses and drains, so it's like $50 worth of stuff.

Him: No. It's too much work.  You're not moving 220 volts. That's crazy.

Me: *raises eyebrow*

Him: *rolls eyes* Whatever, you're gonna do what you want anyways.

Damn straight I will. 

I waited a day or two for him to leave for a golf tournament. I flipped the breaker for the dryer, reran all the electrical cable, reattached the outlet in it's new location.  I re-ran new venting to the old vent, fixed the flap so it would swing freely. I only hit my finger with the hammer once. I muscled the dryer into place and continued on with my 7th load of laundry for the day. A few hours before I had driven to the city to drop some things off for Oldest. While at breakfast he had mentioned there was no way I could do all that by myself. I can't just go lifting all that heavy stuff without a man... what would I do when I'm 70? You gonna be moving dryers and stuff all on your own?

I snapped a picture to send to him. Can't do it all my ass...

I disconnected the other venting for the dryer, pulled the wood out of the window frame and replaced the glass. Hubs returned from golfing. He assessed the situation, using his best judge-y face.

Him: You sure the washer's going to fit over there?

Me: Yes, with 6 inches extra.

Him: At what point are you going to call a plumber?

Me: Once I get the toilet and sink. Are you getting on board with this now?

Him No. I still think you're crazy.

A special kind of crazy indeed.

Monday, May 29, 2023

Week Twenty One...

 Me: I think this new bed will be great.  You'll have so much more room.

Youngest: Maybe I'll grow

Me: Not sure that's how it works...

Him: But it might.  I'm also going to stop wearing socks when I sleep.

Me: okay...

Him: Nick and I had a theory way back. He thought wearing socks stopped you from growing in your sleep. (Note: Nick is now 6'4")

Me: Then shouldn't you have stopped wearing socks years ago?

Him: No because that would have ruined the experiment.

I'm not sure why I never realized that at 5'8" his feet now hung off the twin sized bed he's had since he was 8. We spent two hours assembling Youngest's bed when his new queen sized one arrived. He hasn't talked about Nick for years, not since the two, once thick as thieves since middle school, drifted apart after graduation. He didn't like what Youngest was becoming, or how he was treating his family, so he walked away. Youngest misses the friendship more than he'll ever let on, and his lack of mentioning him, ever, was proof of that. I still see his Mom for lunch once a month, and Oldest and he still keep in touch as they are also friends, so I have kept tabs on how he is doing. It's doubtful that their friendship will ever circle back, but it's nice to see he can remember some moments from back in the day.

He's hit some hiccups in his sobriety. While some kids are home from school, he's still struggling to connect, leaving him with few sober, smoke free options for hanging out. The medication, albeit slow, is making some progress. If I'm being honest, I'm concerned about a backslide, but that's not my battle to fight for him. I'm trying to focus on the tiny victories... his choosing not to go clubbing because he was tired. Voluntarily taking his meds. Being in before 9 most nights. 

He and the Hubs haven't spoken since December. Not a single word.  The dirty glances have gone, and they can briefly tolerate being in the same room, but they haven't spoken. This week, Hubs was coming back from walking the dog and caught Youngest coming around the corner. 

Hubs: He said Hey to me today.

Me: Seriously?  What did you say back?

Hubs: Hi.

Tiny victories.  The weekend was spent framing in the bathroom that Hubs insisted I not build.  It's going slow, as it's being built paycheck to paycheck as I can afford it.  My Dad offered up metal studs that he's had out back forever. Um, yes please.  So, I'm learning metal framing now too.  Full disclosure, it's more of making it up as I go along, but whatever. My sister had an old bookshelf she was getting rid of, so I grabbed it, cut it down, and inset it into a wall, taking advantage of some dead space for storage. In building, I've had to shift stuff around, and now that Youngest's bedroom is done, I was able to hang his banjo in his room. (The banjo was an acquisition during a manic phase while he was homeless, he has no idea how to play, or what he wants to do with it.) I was sitting upstairs today doing bills when I heard the quiet twang of it's strings.

Sometimes he makes me smile for reasons he'll never comprehend. 

We're getting the band back together. 

Friday, May 19, 2023

Week Twenty...

 

The week started out with the annual Postal Food Drive.  It's a national drive for local food pantries where customers can put nonperishable food items in their mailbox, and we pick it up and get it to the pantry for them.  In our area we are the biggest supplier of food, second only to the Thanksgiving Parade drive the town does in November.  This was my donation this year, because food insecurity should never come between anyone and their birthday cake.

Sunday found the Hubs and I at the Brimfield Antique Show.  If you are unfamiliar, it's a HUGE fair where people come to sell literally everything you can think of. Last year I found a 5-gallon glass water cooler jug reminiscent of my childhood, and a bank of PO boxes I turned into furniture for under the TV.  Having lugged those over a quarter mile back to the truck, this year we borrowed my friend's garden cart, in case of treasures. The day started slow, I found this huge basin that, while I specifically bought to store in the garage for lobster Sundays, I totally love, and now resides on top of the fridge.

We started mid field and worked our way back down to where we started last year.  We stumbled upon the vendor that had all the PO boxes last year.  While I had no intention to get another, we were checking out the last one he had, an 8-box unit, when some guy behind us says Twenty Bucks!!!

SOLD

I have no idea what I'm going to do with it yet.  So many ideas, so little money. So, for now it will wait in the garage for it's transformation.

Speaking of no money, we've been tucking away a bit here and there since 2020 when we thought the fridge was about to die. The oven is also on it's last legs, and wouldn't you know it, the dishwasher died completely on Wednesday. Since we bought it at Sears, which went out of business around here about 8 years ago, when the Hubs and I discussed it, we decided not to fix, but rather replace it. Knowing he also didn't want to install it, I looked into the install costs. Yeah, no. Way too much for something we can do ourselves, so that project is good to go for the weekend, as well as finishing up the paint in Oldest's bedroom.

Which brings me to today, where I sit patiently for FedEx to deliver Youngest's new big boy bed. Oddly enough it never occurred to me that he's had the same bed since he was eight, and that his feet *might* be falling off the end every night. We discussed options, flipping his room with the other side of the basement, measuring, reviewed how much space he'd lose. Yesterday I flipped his current room so the bed would fit in, swapped out the carpet, blah blah... it was a ton of work, but hopefully it will work out. The next step will be to list his old bed, headboard, and trundle frames on marketplace as well as the king size frame he bought during the chaos of being homeless, to see if we can recoup some cash.

I feel like my whole life is a cycle of moving things in and out, without actually getting anywhere. I know progress is being made, just sometimes I feel like the wheels are just spinning on the treadmill.




Wednesday, May 10, 2023

Weeks Eighteen and Nineteen...

 .....have blended together since heading back to work.

I think I was back for 4 hours before I remembered why I was looking forward to major surgery and being out.

Today was a zero stars day.

I am surrounded by people who would rather be miserable than fix tiny annoyances that have become the status quo. 

Cases that just need to be shifted one inch so equipment can properly fit underneath them.

Delivery issues that sit unresolved for seven months because no one feels like making a phone call to get a community mailbox installed.

Lights that don't work.

The list is endless.

I don't accept the status quo if it doesn't work for me. The idea that it's always been done that way doesn't fly with me.  There is usually a better way to do things, particularly when it creates inconvenience or safety hazard for others. Needless to say, I've been back for 8 days and I've not been quiet about it.

Management decided to do a huge floor move with all of our workspaces.  It's a massive move that can only be done by the maintenance craft of which we have two employees, one of whom is on vacation for ten days. So of course, they started it the day before he left. Now, half the office is moved, and half is not. Since this was a layout we had 5 years ago, I know there's only one way our corner can be configured to not create a safety hazard. And since no one listens to the 20-year veteran employee, it was horribly done.  It was then tweaked on Monday afternoon, better, but still inadequate. So, I approached the boss, told him what works, he agreed, and when I returned Tuesday after noon it was in fact changed, but incorrectly. 

Still a fire hazard, still a safety issue, I was told to give them some time to work it out. For two days I've organized and loaded all my mail outside in the parking lot. Thankfully it's been beautiful out, but still... the parking lot. Today, since I am still not feeling up to par from the surgery, and my knee's giving me trouble again, I pulled a hamper over to the case for ten minutes to load buckets and trays into so I didn't have to walk them across the room. And that was the moment that a random supervisor, who doesn't supervise me directly, decided to come over...

You need to move this out of here, it's a fire hazard.

Are you serious?

Yes. (Face starts turning angry red)

You know I've said that this floor move of your management team has been a fire hazard for three days now. I've talked to the boss multiple times. He said to work anyway and give them time to fix it.

Well it has to move.

You're kidding, right?

No.

And as he walked away with voices raised, he made no effort to slide the hamper back the three feet he wanted. None.  Instead, he went and told on me to our boss, who knows this has been an issue for days and knows I've been working around it. And as I'm finally leaving to deliver, he catches me at the truck to find out what happened. So I give him the run down... this project that was their decision was not executed properly, and everyone knows/acknowledges this. Despite the fact that I've had to literally work outside 90% of the last two days to be safe, the ten minutes I chose to load my hamper close to my space, he chose to come over and harass me over a problem that YOUR management team caused. 

The boss just smirked, so I told him I was headed out since I was so mad, I wanted to go home and then he'd have two routes to cover, as oh by the way, I had volunteered to do extra today and was carrying a third of another route as well. 

No one said a word to me when I got back. 

The workspaces have been shifted within one foot of what I had asked.

I am no longer trapped if there is a fire.

The other case has been shifted to accommodate the equipment under it so it doesn't impact my space.

Yesterday a different supervisor told me that I needed to think about what worked best for the whole office, despite the fact that what I asked for worked for everyone for years, and the fact that I am literally the advocate for everyone in the office, hardly ever advocating for myself.

Maybe this accused selfish girl needs to actually take some time for herself. 

*sigh*

Only 7 more Christmases....


Monday, May 1, 2023

Week Seventeen....

 Me: I was thinking your high school trunk was really too small for all your memories, so I found you a new trunk to add your college stuff, and special childhood stuff into. What do you think?

Oldest: It's rusty.

Me: Did you see your trunk, it's kind of taking shape out there.

Him: Nah. *goes back to gaming*


Me: So, do you want wheels? How are you thinking you'll use it in your place? What about the inside lid? Any thoughts?

Him: No. I mean I appreciate what you're doing, but I'm no where near as excited about this as you are.

Me: Okay.

Him: Does that make you sad?

Me: God no. I know I'm a special kind of crazy.




The special kind of crazy that saved the dog tag (names and address blurred out here) he made at the amusement park when he was 8 from the landfill, specifically for this project.

The special kind of crazy that added wheels, cedar lining throughout, and new leather handles for which I have ordered black custom end caps for.

The kind of crazy that spent hours hand rubbing the interior and exterior with linseed oil until every grain, imperfection, and 100 years of history shone through. 

The special kind of crazy that took all of his favorite memories, places he's lived, sports he's played, and crafted a custom insert for the lid (most of which has been edited here for his privacy)

The special kind of crazy that only can be his momma.

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

Weeks Fifteen & Sixteen...

 Well, I'm still home from work. The doctor didn't want to write the "limited duty" note specifics, so I'm home until May. While it's been good that I could take care of a lot of loose ends, I'm starting to go a bit crazy.  

I've organized, sold, given away, nearly everything in the house. Youngest's stuff is slow and steadily selling online.  I sold off all the empty alcohol bottles in the garage to a crafter, ironic that so many had accumulated since we don't drink. 

I have been putting marketplace to good use for us as well. Last year we got a gas firepit, not realizing it wouldn't come with enough crushed glass or a wind guard. I found someone local selling brand new crushed fire glass for half what it costs in the store.  Then, after scouring the internet, comparing prices, and debating sizes, I also found a brand-new glass wind shield ring for less than half of what It retails for, and hello... no shipping.

So, with the firepit now complete, I was concerned that someone would crash into it and break the very expensive, hard to replace, ring and decided we needed a more substantial cover. Trying not to spend too much money, I went to my friend's house, foraged through her burn piles, and came out with some old fence pickets.  I'm pretty sure her kids thought I was crazy. I got to work when I got home and fashioned a support cover to go under the actual waterproof cover for a total of ZERO dollars.  Not pretty, but it will do the trick. 

The Hubs is down to just two lots of NASCAR collectibles for sale on Marketplace, and a large lot of PEZ.  It's been a lot of work, but we've made nearly $2K, just in time for the vet bills to roll in from Girl #1.

After a quick shave and ultrasound, the vet determined that the dog has Cushing's disease. It seems pretty textbook, and she can be medicated to live out the rest of her years comfortably. The weight should start coming off soon, which will make her arthritis much easier, and we can resume her long walks on the beach and park. Truthfully, I'm just happy she's stopped licking the floor. Gross. She's also on prescription food for her stones, and she'll be jaunting around bare belly for a bit, but at least we have an answer. If you ask her though, her nakedness is worse than the cone of shame.

I built a catio for the other girl. The original plan was to build a castle style turret on the house, but since we only have one 7lb cat, I thought that could be a bit much. And after the aforementioned gazillion dollars spent on the dog, I needed it to be cheap.  I used scraps from various projects in the garage, and spent a whole $30 on screen. 



It's not perfect, but a far cry from the shelter she was in in Puerto Rico.  She spends hours in it every day, and so far, has not tried to escape. While she spends most of her time rolling on the "carpet", she likes the upper level, as there's just enough room for her to sleep, and it's nearly completely shaded from the often brutal afternoon sun. The awning is left over sunbrella fabric from the patio chair cushions I made last year. I styled it with an old bathmat and her "bed" is made from the same awning fabric, stuffed with old dog towels for easy washing. So all in, I'm still at a grand total of $30.


I have resisted the urge to get her a plant for her new digs. And if you weren't convinced that I had lost my mind with this project, two days later, I built stairs for her...

Also out of scraps we had in the garage, so while I may be bonkers, I'm doing it on the cheap. 

Last year, when I was at my worst point with Youngest, I was searching to remember better days.  When he was little, he LOVED daffodils. I suspect it was because of the stark contrast of the brilliant yellow color against the dreariness of winter blah. Daffodils are amazingly resilient, popping up through ice and snow, often surviving multiple cold snaps before the sun finally warms the world up enough to bloom. And while the winter may not have been brutal this year, our relationship was, and as all those bulbs I planted popped up this year, I was reminded myself that it's not just the daffodil that's resilient. 




My tulips are also starting to pop.  I am disappointed to see that the black ones I bought didn't come up. Apparently, I either got an entire batch of duds, or the squirrels are partial to them. 

The entire yard's starting to pop now.  Every day there's more and more green. Hubs did the rest of the yard clean up last weekend and we just have to decide which way we're going with the window boxes. I took another bonsai class.  The trees in this class were about double the size of the ones in the last class.  The technique was a bit different as well, as was the company, so it was fun.  I went with a windswept tornado style for this one.  We'll see. 

I put both of them outside today to catch some much-needed real sunshine instead of the UV light.  If this picture says anything, it's that the winter one has a LOT of catching up to do. 

Oldest has returned home for the semester break.  He passed all his classes, including the one he was unsure of. He was accepted into the Master's program and is talking this week to reach out to employers and try and decide what he will be doing in August. He went through all of his "keep" storage boxes from his childhood and edited down to two small totes, but not before playing with it all first.  I haven't been hit with this many nerf darts, ping pong balls, and air soft pellets since he was 8. 

Youngest took a second job to keep himself busy.  He's working in a gluten free bakery part time and the tasty treats he's baking up at home have been delicious.  Today's treat was soft cheesy pretzels. The only downside is that he's used to cooking for a retail shop, and he doesn't always remember to cut the recipe down to normal family size portions.  Currently there's 19 large cheesy pretzels on my counter.

There are worse things though, right?

Until next week my peeps....

Friday, April 14, 2023

Today....

What's goin' on, Mama?

Somethin' just dawned on me,

I ain't been home in some months...

Yeah, I'm sorry that I called you so late

I just miss you but anyways...

Thought you should know

That all those prayers you thought you wasted on me,

Finally made their way on thru.

Yeah I know you've been worrin' About me,

You've been losin' sleep since (two thousand three)...

~Morgan Wallen


I need people to stop telling me he will come back.

Once he gets on his own, he'll understand.

He'll come back in a few years and you'll see the son you raised.

He'll come around.  He just needs to grow up a bit.

Because the truth is, the boy I remember may never come back. Our relationship is forever changed from the last three years. And while I may see glimpses of the old him, he may never come back.

I may never have the relationship I had, or want, with Youngest. 

And it's easier if I let go of the hope that I might.

Odds are he'll move away.  Start his adult life. He may never come back other than holidays; if at all. The relationship I had with him before may never be the same, because he is not the same. 

He's making small talk again. Offered to make a special pizza for us. We cleaned through some of his old life in the garage. I asked him why he was cleaning it out now, he said he wasn't ready before. His medication sits filled, untouched, on the kitchen table. He's agreed to start taking it again, but he's not ready yet. He's paying bills. Keeping money in the bank. Exercising. 

But these moments come and go.

The sense of humor, that unique quirkiness that was all him, is gone. His bold head fastness into challenges is lacking. His confidence has waning. The bottle that holds the lightning that has always embodied him, has so many cracks. I've never been the praying type, but I pray every day that he finds his way, that he finds his peace.

Some days it's a struggle to understand the young man that stands in my kitchen. 

Most days the Morgan Wallace song brings me to tears.

Every day I need to not hear that, someday it will be like it was.

Today, I need to be okay with what we have now.

Because, tomorrow is unknown.



Thursday, April 6, 2023

Week Fourteen...

 Can we all just take a moment and applaud the fact that I am actually keeping up with my blogging (more or less) once a week? 

This week is the first week where I've really felt like myself since the surgery.  I think, in talking to the Hubs regarding both our procedures, we both completely underestimated how much quality of life we'd been sacrificing.  I mean, not getting up 6 times a night to pee? Yes please!

The Hubs decided to sell off a lot of his old collections.  We posted his Insanely Huge Lot of Star Wars stuff on FB marketplace and if everything goes as planned, we will complete the sale on Saturday.  Funny part is this guy has no idea how much stuff is in the Insanely Huge Lot, as every time we pull a new box down to go through, we find more.... and more.  Thankfully, this guy has a truck.

Next up is his Hot Wheels Collection, 86 items, all in the original packaging, as if it were plucked from the shelves yesterday.  But it wasn't.  It's from 1998 & 1999. Stored for all these years.  I also posted his KISS collectible cars, as a joke I sent them to my friend as an early Christmas present for her husband.  No joke, we're meeting up this week so she can buy them.

I posted his DVD collection; it sold in 6 hours.

We are going through his Hot Wheels collection this weekend as it is another insanely huge lot, God help me. Then the PEZ, and while I have no hopes for it, he's teasing that the NASCAR collection can go as well.

Youngest, has had high hopes for a few years of owning a smoke shop.  Pot is legal here for both recreational and medicinal use, so glass shops are popping up everywhere, particularly ones that don't sell actual bud because the liability is far less, and the licensing is easier to get. In January, when everything came to a screeching halt, His Pipe Dream went up in smoke. He tried developing a web page for it all, but soon got overwhelmed, and having cut himself off from the smoking world, moving it all proved exceedingly difficult. Seeing how I've been off for a bit, I found a specialty site, similar to eBay, and began listing. For someone that has never smoked, I now know WAY more about this than I ever wanted to know. The things we do for our kids, huh?

So yeah, between becoming the CEO of Youngest's head shop business, and an active Marketplace side hustle for the Hubs, I've been keeping busy.  I had my follow up appointment with the doctor today. I fully expected to go back to work next Tuesday, and despite not being able to sleep in until 9am, was welcoming going back and regaining some semblance of normal. He cleared me for work with limited capacity.

There is no limited capacity for a carrier.

So, now I'm out of work until May 1st.

They'd better start nailing stuff down around here... with another 3 weeks there'll be nothing left I haven't sold.

Dog Bite Awareness Week....

  Boss: "It's dog bit awareness week. Just a reminder that if there's a dog in the yard, or running loose, we don't get out...