The Fixer...

Him: "Why did you buy those flowers?  They're not looking so good."

Me: "Because I am the fixer of the broken.  I can heal them."

Sixteen years ago when I bought this house I was a single mother of two toddlers working part time at the Post Office.  Money was beyond tight some weeks, others were not as bad. But there was never a week with enough to indulge on myself. Ever. Diapers needed to be bought, mouths needed to be fed, every penny needed to be watched.  But one day, while delivering mail to the local garden center I noticed a scraggly bush, way in the back, with a 75% off tag.  It was wonky, stood a bit sideways, and had hardly any leaves. $20 and it was mine. I was the hoarder of all things broken, fixer of all things, plants and people alike.

Which has always been my problem, really.  The broken people always find me, they come to be healed, use up everything I have, and walk away.   Oldest had a date this weekend with a girl he met through Tinder. They spent the day together down at the waterfront, walking off their overpriced, sugar-coma inducing, monster milkshakes with a five mile walk along the massive rock jetty out into the Atlantic Ocean. It left a lot of time for real conversation.  Somehow the conversation turned to past relationships, in which he told her he was the "healer of the broken".  She said she was too. It's an odd thing to have in common, but let's face it, two healers together are far better than the alternatives. In that moment, I think I saw more clearly than ever, that he is just like me.  So I asked him the question that I have been struggling with for weeks,  "Where do the the ones that everyone turns to to make things better go? Where to the healers go when they are broken?"

"Therapy" he says.

I am different.  I get that.  I see solutions that no one else sees, have an internal drive that is incomprehensible to most, and can be strong in nearly every area of my life.  I am, without embarrassment, one of the strongest people I know. And the truth is, I do go to therapy, or here, when I am broken. Because in real life, no matter how many memes or quotes I post on the book of faces, or how many tiny comments I make, it is rarely picked up on by those around me.  It flies completely under the radar because she is strong, and she can handle everything.

And while I have long lost the desire to fix broken people, they still find me. They know where I live. Occasionally they get in with a proverbial key forgotten under the mat, and I find myself furious with my decision to let them stay regardless of how short lived it is.  I don't answer the phone for most of them anymore. Their texts are left unanswered. I try to explain this to the Husband and he tries his best to validate it, but inevitably takes a left turn into fixing, saying to turn it off, stop listening to the voices in my head, This or that is not on me. As if it were that easy. Youngest is broken. Partly his own doing, partly just the course of nature. He wants to be grown, independent, but still needs a parent. And in acknowledging this, he specifically doesn't want me, which is the hardest pill to swallow. We have always been connected in a Jedi mind melding sort of way. We play off each others chaos and calm, feeding off the energy of those around us. I do what I've always done, model what he needs, work with what I'm given, fly by the seat of my pants, always there for him, and he does not want it. I can not fix him. I can not heal him. And yet, I can not quit him.

The desire to care for things is just in me.  To take the old abandoned 100 year old steamer trunk and make it beautiful again.  To grow the wonky 75% off bush into a stunner of the backyard....

or the half dead, burnt leaves of whatever....

into a centerpiece of red, pink, and yellow begonias to be amazed by all summer long. 

It's an inherent in me as my blue eyes and chunky thighs, it's just part of who I am.

I am the fixer of all things broken.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World....

Welcome to your life, there's no turning back

Even while we sleep, we will find you

Acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature,

Everybody wants to rule the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~

But very few want to do the work.

I recently reconnected with an old friend. To share a bit of backstory, we were co-workers turned friends, she was getting remarried and had asked me to be her Maid of Honor in her small backyard ceremony.  It caused quite a commotion within her family, there was a falling out with the Bridesmaids. She, myself and another friend went to NYC for a girls weekend before the wedding. We had a great time. The wedding came and went, and I could see she was off somehow. A week later she checked herself into rehab.  Apparently she'd had an issue with alcohol for quite sometime.  I never saw it, not even on the weekend away. She had left my workplace to take a M-F desk job before the wedding, it was easy to fall out of touch. And with my history with alcoholics, I was not who she needed and she definitely was not healthy for me and my compulsive need to heal the wounded. 

Fast forward two years and we've been talking quite a bit.  She's sober, but unhappy with many things, her current state of unemployment being one. We've spent hours talking about the kids, stress, Corona, her husband, her need to reconnect with a workplace and find her identity again. HOURS.  She decided to come back to work with us, applied, and waited.  She was offered another position in a different office. She was excited, as this would answer a lot of the frustrations she was having, and allow her to move forward financially, and mentally for her family.

I called the other day to see how she liked the other office, and to let her know we were looking into the possibility of an external career bid for our office, which in 18 years, I've never seen happen. Only to find that she didn't take the job. That she, in fact, was doing the exact opposite of everything she knew she should be doing, and thought maybe she'd revisit it in August, when things settled down.

Um, What?

I'm not sure why people tell me things but they do. People come to me for advice, and I don't candy coat things. Perhaps, it's because it appears that I have my ducks in a row. I don't, but I do know how to do the work so that my ducks are typically all in the same room. And normally I am okay with this, as I've learned how to listen, help, and walk away. I've learned the hard way to care, but not to get too involved in the outcome. Except here, when I've spent hours going over the same things, with the same results, and the same frustrations. It's time to walk away again for my own sanity, which is exceptionally hard for me. Ruling one's world takes hard work and even harder choices, none of which she's ready for. And perhaps saddest of all, her kids will see her survive, but never thrive. Two very different things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's my own design, it's my own remorse

Help me to decide,

Help me make the most of freedom, and of pleasure

Nothing ever lasts forever,

Everybody wants to rule the world.

~~~~~~~~~~

Youngest announced that he is stopping therapy. Her list is a mile long of patients who need to see her,  his appointments keep changing and he's losing track, causing expensive co-pays for misses and reschedules. I believe that it was a good check in for him, but honestly if he's not ready to deal with the underlying causes of his problems, there's not much anything can do for him. He still can't articulate his anger with his father. He's still smoking.  He's still struggling with the on again off again girlfriend. He's still being bailed on by friends. He still can't sit still or alone with his thoughts for 10 minutes.

But, he other day he asked me to show him how to log into the college portal to set up his summer class. He asked me to help him schedule an oil change. He agreed that maybe it was time to see a specialist to see how much damage he's done to his stomach. He's not ready to change anything, mind you, but it would be good to find out if anything can be done and if he's caused permanent damage. And for the most part, he's coming in on time, and for now, stopped looking for a new place to live.

Change is hard. 

~~~~~~~~~~

There's a room where the light won't find you,

Holding hands when the walls come tumbling down,

When they do I'll be right behind you,

~~~~~~~~~

This one, I can't walk away from. He's 19, not 35. He's seen the hard work, he knows the sacrifices I make to keep things running. I see school as a huge opportunity for him to move forward, and to enforce this,  We reached an agreement for the rest for this year. He gets a B, I pay for half of the class.  He gets a C, he pays for it in full.  He gets an A, I pay. We take all aid out in his name, so he can build his credit no matter who pays for it. It's community college.  He can ace all the classes if he focuses, and he knows it.  I can afford to pay for that if I work overtime, and he is well aware of that sacrifice that I will make for him. And we will revisit the plan each semester he's in school full time, provided he's living at home, since that is the responsible coast effective way to move forward right now.

What no one knows (other than the Hubs) is that I'm debating changing routes.  Something I said I'd not do, but if the stars align, it could make things a lot easier financially here. I can and if the opportunity presents, will do that for him, for us.  It will be hard, but it's what I have to do to rule my little world.

And the hope is, that in him knowing this, it will serve as an example of how to rule his. 

~~~~~~~~~~

All for freedom and for pleasure,

Nothing ever lasts forever,

Everybody wants to rule the world.

                           ~ Tears For Fears

Keep Going....

"Social media is a weird thing. Ova' hea' I try to keep it happy, a wee bit sassy, and mostly real. It's no secret we've had great things going on here, and undoubtedly with graduation, prom, college (for 2), house hunting, etc., there will many great things posted. But make no mistake, there are many struggles in between those things. BIG ones, little ones, ones that I saw coming, others that blindsided.

Parenting, at any age, for any age, is HARD.

About a week ago, in a moment of parenting fail and frustration, I mumbled something about "Whatever, you guys never listen to me anyway", I heard it.

In a low voice from the kitchen, a manner in which he wanted me to hear but not really, came "I ALWAYS listen to you Mum. Even when you think I'm not, I always HEAR you."

It can't always be the BIG things. Sometimes it's the tiny things in parenting that keep you going. It's a new week Moms and Dads (of all ages), they see you. They HEAR you. KEEP GOING."

-Me via FB May 2019

I wrote that 2 years ago. Face book, lately, has a way of throwing my words back in my face. Sometimes it makes me laugh, other days it makes me reflect. Today was no different.

Last night Youngest stuck around the house to make dinner. Instead of grabbing a snack and heading to his room, he cooked an actual meal in the kitchen for himself. While few words were said, they resembled words that night instead of mumbles. My suspicious nature in with an equally short comment. His reply was he was trying to be here, to interact while we were all home. Shortly after putting his chicken in the oven, a new friend showed up and they headed out to the garage. Most of the time these kids head straight for the garage, but this one came in first. Youngest introduced us, as his family, which hasn't happened in some time.

Today he sat at the kitchen table after work, logging his stock inventory. He's applying for an LLC. He asked a few questions regarding his product. I answered the best I could. I asked if he'd looked into the liabilities he would be responsible for. We discussed other options for sales and revenue than a full on start up right now. He clearly was thinking the process through. He wants a legitimate legal business venture, and I think he's starting to see why he needs an education, and why his original plan, while legal, could be problematic.

Our meeting with the college went well. He is registered for the fall, full time, 2 days a week, which leaves plenty of time for friends and work. He adamantly did not want to do a class in the summer, because he wants to enjoy his last summer. As if he hasn't had 6 summers already. Today I told him that while I heard him, I just wanted to show him something on paper. I explained that because of his 2 AP classes from high school, his fulltime status in the fall, and their 10 day course option for winter break, if he did the one English class, on Monday, from 9-1 for 6 weeks, by January he'd be half way through his associates degree. It would put him right back on track with all his friends, fast track his goals, and since his friends don't even get out of bed until 2 anyways, he'd miss out on nothing.

His eyes opened wide.

I'd like to say that he stayed sober the rest of the day, but he didn't. He did manage to get a night of jujitsu in and when he returned home I let him know that I sent his AP scores to the school. He thanked me before heading back out, took his meds, and assured me he'd be home before the door was locked.

My son is in there somewhere.

He can hear me.

We just have to keep going.

Nature VS Nurture...

 Oldest really wants a tattoo.  We spent an hour or so designing it the other night. He's loved turtles since he was born, so it's no surprise that the center of the design is a tribal turtle.  I believe he's using a graphic from a video game he's played since he was little, so it gives a nod to the gamer in him as well.  The background, layered underneath the turtle, is a compass rose with the words Love Me when I'm Gone arched along the outer edge of the round. His father's wishes were to have his ashes spread in the water, so they would never be tied to a grave stone to be near him.  Wherever they went in life, they could just find water and he would be there. We spread half the ashes at the beach up here, where they would play in the tide pools on his visits, and the rest were given to his mother to spread in Florida, his other home. The words are the title of a song that he and his dad loved, and he chose it at all of 9 years old, to play in his memorial video. 

One would think, with all this planning and thought he'd have booked the appointment all ready, but no. He's uploading it to a temporary tattoo company, so he can get it, live with it, make sure it's the right size, placement, colors, etc. before he has it permanently done. While super smart, I feel like most of us have a tattoo we look at and wish we'd done different, it's like a badge of adulthood we earn.  His extensive caution will spare him of that, and undoubtedly many other stupid lessons of early adulthood.

Part of his graduation requirement for college is that he does two co-ops, one second semester of Junior year and one Spring semester of his Senior year. He's thrown his resume out there this summer in the hopes of scoring something in his field this summer. Internships have been especially hard to come by due to COVID and shut downs, so we weren't hopeful. One of his professors recommended him to a structural engineering company close to the city and he was hired on Friday. We briefly discussed having him relocate closer to the job for the summer....

Um, it's only 10 minutes longer than what I commuted last summer.  And I'm just not ready to totally live on my own yet.

I'm not sure what I did right with him, or if anything I did raising him had any effect at all.  Maybe he would have been just fine even if I'd done nothing at all, who knows? 

Also on Friday, at 7 am, Youngest informed me he would "need to find an apartment, because he couldn't live here any more."

Intellectually I know these are just words from a frustrated and unhappy soul. But I'd be lying if I didn't say they stung a lot.  I've worked my whole life making a home for them.  Creating a safe landing pad, that they could always come home to, and now... he just can't live here any more.

Half hour later I headed down to his room to talk with him about a realistic budget since, as he informed me, he would be doing it without roommates, or any help. I laid out a realistic budget that he should plan on. He got frustrated.  He's not stupid, he knows there's substantial truth in what I was saying.  After I left for work, he broke down, punched the walls and slammed some stuff around in his room, waking up his brother. The reality of adulthood sucks a lot of the time. The tried to talk a bit about it, but Oldest knows the truth in what I told him, and he won't entertain his Mom hates me nonsense, and I just can't live in a dorm. 

Later in the day I found out that he had contacted his mentor and they had talked through some stuff. He's not reached out to him in months, so that was hopeful. Not sure how far they got, or even where they landed, but when I saw him later that night there was no talk of moving out, or anything uncivil really.  He was in a great mood, talkative, and thanked me for the cookies I brought him home.  He was himself for the first time in a while.  But, he wasn't stoned either. 

Without prompting, he's looked into a few jobs out of his comfort zone.  We meet with the Dean Monday at 9am, he has a med check at 4, and he's headed for his COVID shot at two tomorrow. All things I did not see getting done without apprehension, and yet for now, he's mostly on board, gathering his transcripts from high school, checking in with his appointment times so he doesn't miss them, and swinging in tonight for example, to take his meds since he wasn't coming home. 

He's just stuck.  Torn between the easy choices and the hard truth that this person he's become is not who he wants to be.   Watching his brother's success and contentment at home just adds insult to the injury. I heard from his therapist the other day because he missed his appointment.  She's seeing small marks of improvement in his emotional development, and he did reimburse me for the missed appointment fees. Meanwhile two more "water pipes" arrived in the mail from China for resale, he's learning excel so he can keep track of inventory, and profit and loss margins for his online smoke shop. Making a legitimate company, creating an LLC, getting an EIN, ensuring it's all legal and trackable, reportable income.  All in an effort to get out of here. 

And just like Oldest, I wonder what I did wrong. If I did anything right? If anything I did ever made a difference to begin with. How much of who they are becoming is the world they were raised in, and how much is embedded in their DNA?

I guess I'll never know.