Everybody Wants To Rule The World....

Welcome to your life, there's no turning back

Even while we sleep, we will find you

Acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature,

Everybody wants to rule the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~

But very few want to do the work.

I recently reconnected with an old friend. To share a bit of backstory, we were co-workers turned friends, she was getting remarried and had asked me to be her Maid of Honor in her small backyard ceremony.  It caused quite a commotion within her family, there was a falling out with the Bridesmaids. She, myself and another friend went to NYC for a girls weekend before the wedding. We had a great time. The wedding came and went, and I could see she was off somehow. A week later she checked herself into rehab.  Apparently she'd had an issue with alcohol for quite sometime.  I never saw it, not even on the weekend away. She had left my workplace to take a M-F desk job before the wedding, it was easy to fall out of touch. And with my history with alcoholics, I was not who she needed and she definitely was not healthy for me and my compulsive need to heal the wounded. 

Fast forward two years and we've been talking quite a bit.  She's sober, but unhappy with many things, her current state of unemployment being one. We've spent hours talking about the kids, stress, Corona, her husband, her need to reconnect with a workplace and find her identity again. HOURS.  She decided to come back to work with us, applied, and waited.  She was offered another position in a different office. She was excited, as this would answer a lot of the frustrations she was having, and allow her to move forward financially, and mentally for her family.

I called the other day to see how she liked the other office, and to let her know we were looking into the possibility of an external career bid for our office, which in 18 years, I've never seen happen. Only to find that she didn't take the job. That she, in fact, was doing the exact opposite of everything she knew she should be doing, and thought maybe she'd revisit it in August, when things settled down.

Um, What?

I'm not sure why people tell me things but they do. People come to me for advice, and I don't candy coat things. Perhaps, it's because it appears that I have my ducks in a row. I don't, but I do know how to do the work so that my ducks are typically all in the same room. And normally I am okay with this, as I've learned how to listen, help, and walk away. I've learned the hard way to care, but not to get too involved in the outcome. Except here, when I've spent hours going over the same things, with the same results, and the same frustrations. It's time to walk away again for my own sanity, which is exceptionally hard for me. Ruling one's world takes hard work and even harder choices, none of which she's ready for. And perhaps saddest of all, her kids will see her survive, but never thrive. Two very different things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's my own design, it's my own remorse

Help me to decide,

Help me make the most of freedom, and of pleasure

Nothing ever lasts forever,

Everybody wants to rule the world.

~~~~~~~~~~

Youngest announced that he is stopping therapy. Her list is a mile long of patients who need to see her,  his appointments keep changing and he's losing track, causing expensive co-pays for misses and reschedules. I believe that it was a good check in for him, but honestly if he's not ready to deal with the underlying causes of his problems, there's not much anything can do for him. He still can't articulate his anger with his father. He's still smoking.  He's still struggling with the on again off again girlfriend. He's still being bailed on by friends. He still can't sit still or alone with his thoughts for 10 minutes.

But, he other day he asked me to show him how to log into the college portal to set up his summer class. He asked me to help him schedule an oil change. He agreed that maybe it was time to see a specialist to see how much damage he's done to his stomach. He's not ready to change anything, mind you, but it would be good to find out if anything can be done and if he's caused permanent damage. And for the most part, he's coming in on time, and for now, stopped looking for a new place to live.

Change is hard. 

~~~~~~~~~~

There's a room where the light won't find you,

Holding hands when the walls come tumbling down,

When they do I'll be right behind you,

~~~~~~~~~

This one, I can't walk away from. He's 19, not 35. He's seen the hard work, he knows the sacrifices I make to keep things running. I see school as a huge opportunity for him to move forward, and to enforce this,  We reached an agreement for the rest for this year. He gets a B, I pay for half of the class.  He gets a C, he pays for it in full.  He gets an A, I pay. We take all aid out in his name, so he can build his credit no matter who pays for it. It's community college.  He can ace all the classes if he focuses, and he knows it.  I can afford to pay for that if I work overtime, and he is well aware of that sacrifice that I will make for him. And we will revisit the plan each semester he's in school full time, provided he's living at home, since that is the responsible coast effective way to move forward right now.

What no one knows (other than the Hubs) is that I'm debating changing routes.  Something I said I'd not do, but if the stars align, it could make things a lot easier financially here. I can and if the opportunity presents, will do that for him, for us.  It will be hard, but it's what I have to do to rule my little world.

And the hope is, that in him knowing this, it will serve as an example of how to rule his. 

~~~~~~~~~~

All for freedom and for pleasure,

Nothing ever lasts forever,

Everybody wants to rule the world.

                           ~ Tears For Fears