Oldest really wants a tattoo. We spent an hour or so designing it the other night. He's loved turtles since he was born, so it's no surprise that the center of the design is a tribal turtle. I believe he's using a graphic from a video game he's played since he was little, so it gives a nod to the gamer in him as well. The background, layered underneath the turtle, is a compass rose with the words Love Me when I'm Gone arched along the outer edge of the round. His father's wishes were to have his ashes spread in the water, so they would never be tied to a grave stone to be near him. Wherever they went in life, they could just find water and he would be there. We spread half the ashes at the beach up here, where they would play in the tide pools on his visits, and the rest were given to his mother to spread in Florida, his other home. The words are the title of a song that he and his dad loved, and he chose it at all of 9 years old, to play in his memorial video.
One would think, with all this planning and thought he'd have booked the appointment all ready, but no. He's uploading it to a temporary tattoo company, so he can get it, live with it, make sure it's the right size, placement, colors, etc. before he has it permanently done. While super smart, I feel like most of us have a tattoo we look at and wish we'd done different, it's like a badge of adulthood we earn. His extensive caution will spare him of that, and undoubtedly many other stupid lessons of early adulthood.
Part of his graduation requirement for college is that he does two co-ops, one second semester of Junior year and one Spring semester of his Senior year. He's thrown his resume out there this summer in the hopes of scoring something in his field this summer. Internships have been especially hard to come by due to COVID and shut downs, so we weren't hopeful. One of his professors recommended him to a structural engineering company close to the city and he was hired on Friday. We briefly discussed having him relocate closer to the job for the summer....
Um, it's only 10 minutes longer than what I commuted last summer. And I'm just not ready to totally live on my own yet.
I'm not sure what I did right with him, or if anything I did raising him had any effect at all. Maybe he would have been just fine even if I'd done nothing at all, who knows?
Also on Friday, at 7 am, Youngest informed me he would "need to find an apartment, because he couldn't live here any more."
Intellectually I know these are just words from a frustrated and unhappy soul. But I'd be lying if I didn't say they stung a lot. I've worked my whole life making a home for them. Creating a safe landing pad, that they could always come home to, and now... he just can't live here any more.
Half hour later I headed down to his room to talk with him about a realistic budget since, as he informed me, he would be doing it without roommates, or any help. I laid out a realistic budget that he should plan on. He got frustrated. He's not stupid, he knows there's substantial truth in what I was saying. After I left for work, he broke down, punched the walls and slammed some stuff around in his room, waking up his brother. The reality of adulthood sucks a lot of the time. The tried to talk a bit about it, but Oldest knows the truth in what I told him, and he won't entertain his Mom hates me nonsense, and I just can't live in a dorm.
Later in the day I found out that he had contacted his mentor and they had talked through some stuff. He's not reached out to him in months, so that was hopeful. Not sure how far they got, or even where they landed, but when I saw him later that night there was no talk of moving out, or anything uncivil really. He was in a great mood, talkative, and thanked me for the cookies I brought him home. He was himself for the first time in a while. But, he wasn't stoned either.
Without prompting, he's looked into a few jobs out of his comfort zone. We meet with the Dean Monday at 9am, he has a med check at 4, and he's headed for his COVID shot at two tomorrow. All things I did not see getting done without apprehension, and yet for now, he's mostly on board, gathering his transcripts from high school, checking in with his appointment times so he doesn't miss them, and swinging in tonight for example, to take his meds since he wasn't coming home.
He's just stuck. Torn between the easy choices and the hard truth that this person he's become is not who he wants to be. Watching his brother's success and contentment at home just adds insult to the injury. I heard from his therapist the other day because he missed his appointment. She's seeing small marks of improvement in his emotional development, and he did reimburse me for the missed appointment fees. Meanwhile two more "water pipes" arrived in the mail from China for resale, he's learning excel so he can keep track of inventory, and profit and loss margins for his online smoke shop. Making a legitimate company, creating an LLC, getting an EIN, ensuring it's all legal and trackable, reportable income. All in an effort to get out of here.
And just like Oldest, I wonder what I did wrong. If I did anything right? If anything I did ever made a difference to begin with. How much of who they are becoming is the world they were raised in, and how much is embedded in their DNA?
I guess I'll never know.
Nurture versus Nature is a tough line to draw conclusions on really. I always try at least not to take all the blame for their failures anymore than I should take all the credit for their successes. Besides, Individuals are so varied that even if you had dozens of Kiddos, each would navigate their own Path I suspect. I've seen people turn out okay in spite of terrible Parenting and no Opportunities... I've seen people turn out badly even if they had the most excellent Parenting and Opportunities. But, I can definitely relate to this Post my Friend... whenever our Children are floundering in Life, for whatever reasons, it's difficult not to personalize it somewhat and wonder what we could have/might have been able to do differently as we were laying their Foundation and getting them Raised Up? I do Hope it all turns out well for him and he enjoys success and being able to attain some Dreams. I think the Temp Tattoo experiment is a very Clever Idea.
ReplyDeleteI am not a parent, but believe that no parent (or none that I consider worthy of the name) does everything right. Each child is different, and they sometimes need to find their own path despite the pain it causes them (and you).
ReplyDeleteI hope it settles down and goes well for all of you.
Can we see a picture of the tattoo at some time? It sounds really cool! Good idea too with the temporary tattoo and seeing if he likes it, etc. I have a friend who in one of her tattoos had her now ex-husband's name in it. She had it tastefully remade to something that didn't include his name :) And like I think I said before, son has Cadillac tattooed across his back and his best friend at the time had Chevrolet tattooed across his back. I wonder if either regret those tattoos?
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job parenting both Oldest and Youngest. We each are unique in our personalities and even I bet twins raised at the same time still come out differently raised, know what I mean? Youngest though seems to be making a great effort to try to change things he doesn't like about himself. I think I told you I would tell my son that he and his friends at 18 years old would be totally different people by 25 years old. Its a learning growing process :)
I had to laugh though at your line of your Oldest being happy to stay at home and then your Youngest saying he had to get out on his own. He'll learn a valuable lesson being on his own when he ends up moving out, as you know :)
Keep hanging in there!!
betty
I have to agree with Betty here. One of my friends had twins and those two boys are like night and day. You've done a fine job raising your boys - I can see that from here. Youngest, I think, is wanting some freedom while Oldest has tasted that and figured out right quick that for now being home is the right thing.
ReplyDeleteIt's a combination of nature and nurture. You've been a good parent, and you still are. If Youngest follows through on moving out, he'll find out how difficult it is. It might be all talk, though. I wasn't eager for my kids to move out, but a lot of parents are.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Kids from the same family can turn out vastly different. I think some of it they are born with and some is environment--but there's no magic formula. Terrible parents can turn out great kids and great parents can turn out terrible kids. But seems like most teenagers need to break away from parents for a while. All part of growing up but some of them do it quietly and some don't. You are doing a great job. love and hugs
ReplyDeleteEach child is different allparentscando is the best they know how to do and hope for the best
ReplyDeleteI've had the same conversation with so many friends. And although we've taken different paths, we all arrive at (more or less) the same conclusion. We do the best we can at the time with the information we have. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't do so well. You've done everything you could and so much more than you had to... all with great thought and consideration for your guys.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, it's not about who you are, it's about who THEY are. And once they get to about 12 years of age, we have very little control over who they are. We can only take care of things as best we can.
Sending you a hug.
"In the end, it's not about who you are, it's about who THEY are. And once they get to about 12 years of age, we have very little control over who they are. We can only take care of things as best we can."... Damn Ami, that was Profound my Friend, I needed that reminder Today.
DeleteHonestly, I think that when the ledgers clear, you'll have done fine with both. The wisdom of doing the temp tattoo, and the books against the wall frustration are just two sides of the same process.
ReplyDelete