Humanics

hu-man-ics/ : the study of human nature or human affairs

As a college's philosophy, it's applied as the education of the whole student, mind, body and spirit. The principal of looking at the whole person, giving them an enriching experience to give back to, leaving the institution with more than just an education, but an entire lifestyle.

In truth, it's one of the key reasons Youngest chose this college. 

The journey to get him there, not once but twice, has been long.

And yet it was made once again.

By Tuesday he was done.

After a four hour failed attempt to skateboard home (130 miles), I thankfully got him to agree to turn around and head back to campus. I also talked him into getting a location stamp from his phone so I could have his brother call him an Uber to get him the remaining 5 miles home in the dark. And in the end, it was clear he could not stay.

By Tuesday he was in admissions asking to withdraw.  The conversation turned sadly to how none of any of it mattered and he wished he was dead.  They sat with him for 3 hours until we could get him. We moved him out completely, he came home, and the next day we willingly went to attempt to get him some out patient services. 

What followed next is a giant mess of stupidity, that ultimately ended up getting him a section 12.  A section 12 is when they basically negate your rights, and check you in to inpatient emergency services, and search for a bed in a mental care facility. As you can imagine, this did not go well.

So now, it's two days later.  He has been placed in a care facility.  He will likely be released on Tuesday, if he behaves, agrees to work with them, and stop trying to escape. At least there they are talking to his therapist who has his history.  There, they are talking to me.  There he can call out to anyone he wants, and can receive calls at any point.  I can drop him off snacks, clothes, books. 

There is not where I ever wanted him to be.  

It was not what I asked for when we went for help.  

But there is where we are, and we just have to figure out how to get from there, to here.

I have said for years that his behavior looks like bi-polar.  His father was a pi-polar, manic depressive. I lived 7 years with undiagnosed bi-polar, and then what felt like another 18.  The behavior is sadly my wheelhouse, how to step quietly, negotiate, and anticipate the next move. Trying to be ahead of the curve, I have had him tested twice.  Both saw no signs of a mood disorder.

But mood disorders are not a test that can be taken on paper, rather a series of behaviors, and the generic bi-polar diagnosis has many sub contexts, nuances, and levels. What is for one, isn't at all the same for another, yet there are similarities. And someone saw those similarities today.  When his case manager talked, the blanks began to fill in. The anti depressant he'd been prescribed 3 and half months earlier, just to take the edge off the COVID crazy, would magnify a underlying mood disorder, causing suicidal behavior. As the dosage stepped up, so did the behavior, and thoughts turned to threats, threats turned to an attempt.

And there we are.

It kills me that I missed this. I had suspected, but wasn't able to sit in on his med check appointment last week.  It kills me that I didn't ask for him to retry the medicine we used when he was little, for mood disorder, that literally had no side effects for him. This will likely eat me away forever. 

He starts back on it tomorrow.  Along with, I would assume, something else to get him stable enough to leave. COVID restrictions allow me only a 15 minute visitation window in the next 6 days. I have talked to him twice.  The first time he was cognitive.  The second, he was either broken or medicated, but he did tell me he loved me, and I'll take that any way I can get it.

I feel like I've lost a limb. Like there's a giant piece of me missing. There's a pit in my stomach, and I cry at nothing. An inpatient facility was NEVER what I wanted for him. And I just hope that we can get him back to himself before he comes home. That the damage of ripping the rug out from under both of us, doesn't make him just want to take back off, and at 18, I'll never see him again.

I have spent the day controlling what I can control.  Which in this case means working to get him withdrawn from school, returning items unopened from the dorm, retuning books unread. Busy work basically, to minimize his stress when he gets home.

It took four hours.

I got a full refund on his books.

80% refund on his tuition.

90% refund on his housing

90% refund on his food

100% refund on his store account.

And a 70% refund on his refrigerator.

Impressive, yes?  Considering the current state of affairs for college financial right now.  Thing is, most of this was offered, and while some had to be negotiated, they didn't want this choice to follow him by way of 20 years of payments with ridiculous interest rates. And then they offered something different.  A full withdrawal from school, which means he'd never come back, or a leave of absence for 2 semesters.

A full year to decide what he wants to do.  On top of the refunds, he gets to reconsider.  To come back to a school where COVID isn't an issue.  Where sports resume.  Where socializing and making friends is encouraged. With a year's worth of maturity, and enough work experience to know that this is the right move for him instead of following the masses. And they are holding the same grants and merit scholarships he currently has, ensuring he can continue on for the same cost as 2020, through 2025. 

They are giving him a do-over.

Humanics. 

Giving his mind a chance to catch up.

Holding all parts equally important.

Ensuring a healthy body, mind, and spirit.

Educating the whole person.